RANT: Me dumping my stress on you, you've been warned.

From: Alex Future Bokov (alexboko@umich.edu)
Date: Mon Oct 16 2000 - 02:43:56 MDT


Today was a bad day. I've had these obsessive/compulsive/denial/stress
i-just-want-to-sit-and-play-with-the-computer-like-a-zombie episodes so
many times now that I can see them coming and actually have it together
enough to analyze them. Not prevent them, but at least be conscious of
what's happening and why.

In this case, it was because of the virtual stack of grad school apps
that I have to fill out (every last one of them is either online or PDF
format). Fill out and confront the fact that I was a total loser for
the last 10 years. 10! My god, what kind of crazy school would accept
that? 2.74 GPA baby, a few failed classes *in* my major, and a research
apprenticeship I mysteriously dropped. I mean, my average GPA for a
humanities class is actually higher than my math/sci GPA. I think I
could have gotten better credentials just by drinking myself senseless
every night and answering randomly on exams. My advice to those still
in college is-- don't take time off, and don't let thinking interfere
with learning or even more importantly grades. Above all, don't let
anybody break your heart. They come anywhere near your myocardial
region you bite their goddamn fingers off. You'll find better somebodys
further down the road.

The joke gets better. I'm using a follow-the-interesting-research
strategy and there is aging research being done at Harvard, Yale, and
MIT. So my strategy dictates that I apply there. MAN is somebody in
admissions going to get a good laugh out of this one.

At least I've compiled the URLs of the schools I'm considering into one
big list, so that I can apply to a few every time I have a spare
minute. I've already applied to USC. I anticipate the rest will be
easier. What allows me to keep going with this is the fact that I
actually expect to fail this time around, and have a (suitably
Transhumanist) contingency plan. If I don't get in anyplace at all,
I'll either go back to making money as a computer guy (and find the
most effective way to drive research forward with it) or I'll just keep
taking supplementary classes, apply to a Masters program, work as a
lab-rat, whatever it takes to rescue those credentials. I think before
what stressed me out was the good old fear of the unknown-- "I win
or... what?!". Now it's "I win or I keep on fighting until I win or I
keep on fighting until..." etc. Sort of like the closing words of
Starship Troopers but infinitely recursed.

On the up side though, for a couple of months at least I'll have some
really current and thorough knowledge of exactly who is doing what in
aging research and where.

Ah. That feels better. Sorry for ranting, thanks for listening.

- --

Carpe Scrotum!

Version: PGP 6.5.1


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