Re: SOC: Urban Sprawl

From: Michael S. Lorrey (
Date: Tue Jun 06 2000 - 05:04:42 MDT

Spike Jones wrote:
> wrote:
> > "urban sprawl" is being tested by the Gore campaign as one of its
> > buzz-terms....other trends and developments I'm overlooking. Comments?
> The real underlying problem is we are using our cars as a
> rolling refuge from the unpleasantries of modern living. It
> is a metal and glass shield, a wonderfully comfortable and
> fully controllable mobile castle, a relaxing escape haven.
> People may *say* that they live two hours out from work because
> of the oppressive Silicon Valley real estate prices, but the fact
> is, their cars provide four hours of freedom from the shrieking
> and wingeing of their oversized brood of larvae, the complaints
> of a dissatisfied spouse, the cares of everyday living.
> Solutions: 1) build skyscrapers on all existing parking lots. New York
> and Boston have been experimenting with this, to great advantage.
> 2) Inject into all new cars a compound that combines with the freon
> in air condition systems to render them useless and unrepairable
> after a few months.
> 3) Jam all FM and AM radio frequencies with a random jumble
> of hideously cacophonic but strangely rythmic racket, made by
> entertainers with names that sound like Vanilla Shake, and Ice Tray.
> This too is being tried in several major metropoli.
> 4) Convert all freeways from the current three packed normal lanes
> and one empty carpool lane to one packed normal lane and three
> empty carpool lanes.
> 5) Use another compound (to which I am seeking a patent) that
> causes the foam in carseats to harden to the consistency of wood.
> With these simple steps, soon urban sprawlers will give up the
> pleasures of long commutes, since it will become a sweating, boring,
> cacophanous, wooden-bench-sitting-uncomfortable, knowing-there's-
> no-place-to-park experience that will soon lead to wonderful
> breakthrus in telecommuting technology, in bee-hive borganism super
> compact living styles, ever so much preferrable to our present
> urban sprawl. Even Al Gore will be pleased with such a
> solution. spike

Spike, you are an evil, evil, evil little man..... mwahahahahahah....
don't chew on the kitty...

Mike Lorrey

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