Re: SOC: Urban Sprawl

From: Spike Jones (
Date: Mon Jun 05 2000 - 22:39:30 MDT wrote:

> "urban sprawl" is being tested by the Gore campaign as one of its
> buzz-terms....other trends and developments I'm overlooking. Comments?

The real underlying problem is we are using our cars as a
rolling refuge from the unpleasantries of modern living. It
is a metal and glass shield, a wonderfully comfortable and
fully controllable mobile castle, a relaxing escape haven.

People may *say* that they live two hours out from work because
of the oppressive Silicon Valley real estate prices, but the fact
is, their cars provide four hours of freedom from the shrieking
and wingeing of their oversized brood of larvae, the complaints
of a dissatisfied spouse, the cares of everyday living.

Solutions: 1) build skyscrapers on all existing parking lots. New York
and Boston have been experimenting with this, to great advantage.

2) Inject into all new cars a compound that combines with the freon
in air condition systems to render them useless and unrepairable
after a few months.

3) Jam all FM and AM radio frequencies with a random jumble
of hideously cacophonic but strangely rythmic racket, made by
entertainers with names that sound like Vanilla Shake, and Ice Tray.
This too is being tried in several major metropoli.

4) Convert all freeways from the current three packed normal lanes
and one empty carpool lane to one packed normal lane and three
empty carpool lanes.

5) Use another compound (to which I am seeking a patent) that
causes the foam in carseats to harden to the consistency of wood.

With these simple steps, soon urban sprawlers will give up the
pleasures of long commutes, since it will become a sweating, boring,
cacophanous, wooden-bench-sitting-uncomfortable, knowing-there's-
no-place-to-park experience that will soon lead to wonderful
breakthrus in telecommuting technology, in bee-hive borganism super
compact living styles, ever so much preferrable to our present
urban sprawl. Even Al Gore will be pleased with such a
solution. spike

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