MS Critical Optimism(TM) in MS Pessimistic Times(TM)

Yak Wax (
Sun, 25 Jan 1998 09:04:37 -0800 (PST)

--Recieved message "Bill Gates Goes Global" from

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Date: 29.Aug.2006
Headline: Bill Gates goes global
Subject: Microsoft
Meta: Microsoft, domination, conspiracy.
Content: Casual use of the word "penis."
Reader Level: Monkey, or above average Gazelle

Today Microsoft has announced that it's new interface software, the
Billagotchi(TM), will be released around the world within the next
Microsoft Year(TM. This will mean that the Billagotchi(TM) could be
in your Den(TM) by the end of 2011. But what will this mean for Bill
Gates after 1999's Whitehouse scandal?

--History File - Clinton vs. Gates - 13.Feb.1999

In 1998 Microsoft(R) realeased a new "open" strategy to counter
Netscapes new-found success in the Internet(TM) market after releasing
it's browser source code. Microsoft(R) did not only release source
code for Internet Explorer(TM), Internet Information Server(TM), and
Office(TM), but also set a new agenda for it's business practises.
The MS Open Strategy(TM) will mean that Microsoft(R) will release
details of all previous business practises and all new business
practises on it's website (WWW route directory (http://))

Visitors to the website were shocked to find pages of government
bribes, mafia connections and, most shocking of all, a personal
confession from Sir William Gates III about his connection with the
1997/1998 whitehouse scandal. The confession clearly states that the
"sexual missdealings" of former President Bill Clinton were all a PR
joke set to coincide with the release of Windows(R) 98(TM). The joke
did not go according to plan when Windows(R) 98(TM) was delyed for the
16th time. Along with the confession is a scanned receipt for a 1000
mile long piece of string, that was allegedly attached to the
Presidents penis.

Sir William Gates was quoted as saying "I just tugged on that string
and out popped the little chap!"

--End History file

The Billagotchi(TM) software is an 6-inch high holographic agent
modelled on the likeness of Sir William Gates (a Barney(TM) version is
also available.) The agent software will respond to any user requests
and then achieve those requests by "aquiring" or "merging" infromation
for the lowest possible price. The 6-inch character is already being
refered to as "Little Bill" by Sir Gates. Shortly after Microsoft(R)
made the annoucement Netscape filed a complaint with the MSDOJ(TM) and
released a list of bugs (personality flaws) on their website
( The MSDOJ(TM) have yet to take action,
but are said to be humoring the request.

$2 have been tranferred from your MS Wallet(TM)

MSNBC is owned by Microsoft(R) Corporation and the opinions expressed
within are of Microsoft Corporation. Microsoft Corporation is the
worlds largest supplier of software and Internet(TM) services. Sir
Williams Gates was knighted by the British Empire after Microsoft's
hostile takeover of the British monarchy (07.Apr.2002)

Where do you want to go today?(TM)

--End of message

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