Threat posed by martial artists (was re:scifi comedy & re: guns)

James Ganong (
Fri, 4 Jun 1999 02:48:55 -0700 (PDT)

MASTER:         Approach, students.  Close the circle at the feet of 
                the master.  You have come to me asking that I be your
guide along the path of Tae Kwon Leap. But be warned. To learn its ways, you must learn the ways of your own
     soul.  Let us meditate upon this wisdom now.  So. 
ED:             Uh, sir... sir! 
MASTER:         Who disturbs our meditation as a pebble disturbs the
stillness of the pond? 
ED:             Me.  Ed Gruberman. 
MASTER:         Ed Gruberman? 
ED:             Yeah.  Uhh, no disrespect or nothing, but, like, how
long is this going to take? 
MASTER:         Tae Kwon Leap is not a path to a door, but a road
leading forever towards the horizon. 
ED:             So, like, what, an hour or so? 
MASTER:         No, no.  We have not even begun upon the path.  Ed
Gruberman, you must learn patience. 
ED:             Yeah, yeah, yeah, patience.  How long will that take? 
MASTER:         Time has no meaning.  To a true student, a year is as a
ED:             A year?  But I want to beat people up right now!  I got
the pajamas!  Ha!  Hoo!  Yah! 
MASTER:         Beat people up? 
ED:             Yeah, just show me all those nifty moves, so I can start
trashing bozos. That's all I came here for. Yoooo! Ah ta ta ta! Pretty good, eh?
MASTER: The only use of Tae Kwon Leap is self-defense. Do you know who said that? Ki Lo Ni, the great teacher. ED: Yeah? Well, the best defense is a good offense. You know who said that? Mel, the cook on "Alice"! MASTER: No, um, Tae Kwon Leap is the wine of purity, not the vinegar of hostility. Meditate upon this truth with us. Ommmmmmm... ED: Listen, shrimp! Now are you going to show me some fancy moves, or am I going to start wiping the walls with you? MASTER: Ed Gruberman, you fail to grasp Tae Kwon Leap. Approach me that you might see.
ED:             Alright!  Finally, some action! 
MASTER:         Observe closely, class.  BOOT TO THE HEAD.  *thump* 
ED:             Ow!  You booted me in the head! 
MASTER:         You are lucky, Ed Gruberman.  Few novices experience so
much of Tae Kwon Leap so soon. Now we continue. Ommmmm... ED: Hey! Hey, I wasn't ready. Come and get me now,
                shorty!  C'mon, are you chicken? 
MASTER:         BOOT TO THE HEAD.  *thump* 
ED:     *Ow*  Okay, now I'm ready.  C'mon, try it now! 
MASTER:         BOOT TO THE HEAD.  *thump* 
ED:         Mind if I just lie down here for a minute? 
MASTER:         Now, class, we shall return to our... 
STUDENT 1:      Master? 
MASTER:         It is wrong to tip the vessel of knowledge, student. 
STUDENT 1:      Many apologies, Master, but I feel Ed Gruberman is not
wholly wrong. 
MASTER:         What do you mean? 
STUDENT 1:      I want to boot some head, too. 
MASTER:         Have you learned nothing from the lesson of Ed
STUDENT 1:      Yes, master.  I have learned two things.  First, that
anger is a weapon only to one's opponent. 
MASTER:         Very good. 
STUDENT 1:      Secondly, get in the first shot.  BOOT TO THE HEAD. 

MASTER: You missed. STUDENT 1: Uh, yeah... well... I... MASTER: You too shall be honored to learn a lesson. STUDENT 1: There's really no need to... I've gotta be going... MASTER: BOOT TO THE HEAD. *thump* STUDENT 1: Owwwwww! MASTER: Can anyone tell us what lesson has been learned here? STUDENT 2: Uh, yes, master. Not a single one of us could defeat you. MASTER: You gain wisdom, child. STUDENT 2: So we'll have to gang up on you. Get 'im, guys! MASTER: BOOT TO THE HEAD. *thump* *thump* *thump* *thump*
*thump* *thump*...

And now, class, let us rejoin the mind to the body, and gaze into the heart of the candle in meditation.
CHORUS:         *groan* 
MASTER:         Very good, class.