"J. R. Molloy" wrote:
> From: "Spike Jones" <spike66@attglobal.net>
> > From this historical precedent, I ask permission to commit
> > blasphemy, and be forgiven, before I even make up the
> > particular impiety.
>
> Permission granted.
Thank you J.R. I am particularly careful with giving offense,
due to an unfortunate incident that dates back to my days as
a theology student. You see, those believers who are ignorant
of the bible (the vaaaast majority) tend to have the notion that
the scriptures are free of contradictions and quirks. Theology
students, who study the document every day, know that it is
fillllled with bugs.
I was on a first date just such a young lady. She was a fine young
lass, kind and good, and filled to overflowing with the afore-
mentioned biblical ignorance and subsequent sense of its
sacredness. We went to a religious service with my roommate
and his fiancee. Afterwards the four of us were sitting around
in the lobby of the women's dormitory talking. When two or
more theology students get together, eventually someone will
say something that leads to the comment "You know, they had
{x} in the bible" Second student "Oh? How so?" A number of
corny jokes will ensue, such as:
Did you know they had cars in the bible?
Oh? How so?
The book of Acts says "The disciples were together in one
accord."
Harrraarrarrarar. Did you know they had motorcycles
in the bible?
Oh? How so?
The book of Kings says "David's triumph was heard throughout
the land."
Harrraarrarrarar. Did you know they had tennis in the bible?
Oh? How so?
The book of Exodus says "Moses played in pharoah's courts."
Harrraarrarrarar. Did you know they had cigarettes in
the bible?
Oh? How so?
The book of Genesis says "Rachel lighted on a camel."
Harrraarrarrarar. My roommate, who was sitting across from
me and my date noticed she was getting squirmy at the impieties.
He subtly tried to get me to cut the crap, but I failed to grok. He
said "You know, for a body of literature the length of the bible, it
is remarkable that it is totally free of overt humor."
"Contraire," I replied, not recognizing the discomfort of my date.
"One of the funniest comments I have read is in Judges 1:19." I
opened my bible and quoted, verbatim:
"The Lord was with Judah; and He drave out the inabitants of
the mountain; but could not drive out the inhabitants of the
valley, because they had chariots of iron."
My girl looked me and said coldly, "I fail to see the humor."
I replied, "Look at what he is saying. We had God on
our side, but they had IRON CHARIOTS! A bunch of
tough thugs in iron chariots got together and kicked
GODs butt!"
She stood up and tried to rebuke me for my blasphemies,
but got a little tongue tied. She exclaimed "You speak
great BLAMMISPHIES!"
"Blammisphies?" I laughed. She turned on her heel and
stalked off.
I tried to inject a bit of humor into the tense silence: "Oh dear.
As a result of my great blammisphy, I fear that I shall not be
experiencing sexual relations this evening."
My roommate busted out laughing at this comment, which
caused his girl to get up and stalk off. Neither of us got
laid that night. My date never spoke to me again.
{8^D spike
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