newtonmas story

From: Spike Jones (
Date: Fri Dec 21 2001 - 21:13:17 MST

This is not exactly the greatest story ever told.
But perhaps somewhere in the top 10.

In the mid 80s this joke went around Ridgecrest Taxifornia:

A man had enjoyed a bit too much Christmas cheer.
As he was riding home, he was so inebriated he fell off
his ass. "Jesus Christ, that hurts!" he commented. From
a nearby stable, a young woman's voice was heard to say,
"You know Joseph, I think I like that name better than

Forward to 1985. My good friend was a former Mormon,
currently atheist, but his parents are still devout. They
gave him an imitation-ceramic crèche (hand painted!) for
which he showed polite appreciation. The following year,
they were coming to visit him, so he erected a christmas
tree, complete with lights and bulbs, but he couldn't keep
the accursed cats from playing with the decorations, evil
spawn of satan that they are. They persisted in knocking
the ornaments off the tree and batting them around endlessly,
so my friend mounted the tree upside down from the ceiling,
out of the reach of the furry demons. (You would have
to know my friend. He does things like this.)

A few days before christmas he remembered the crèche
and set it out below the inverted christmas tree, but once
again, the cats decided to play holy hockey with the
figurines, scattering them thru-out the home. He searched
the next day and found them all, with the curious exception
of a donkey and the central figure. Fearing that his
parents would notice the absence of the jesus, (holy
parents and adoring magi worshipping nothing) he got
on the phone and ordered a replacement ass and savior,
to be sent out post haste. He glued the surviving holy
family, wise guys and beasts to a piece of plywood in
order to thwart the fiendish felines.

While vacuuming behind the sofa on christmas eve, my friend
found jesus. As luck would have it, the replacement
turned up in the post that same day. So now he had two
jesi. Then he got an idea. He glued the second infant-god
figure to the board next to the original, just to see if his parents
would notice.

But then he took the gag a little further than I would have.
He made an easel from popsicle sticks and made up a
placard, as one would see in a museum. He wrote:

"A little-known fact of history tells us that the firstborn of
Joseph Christ and Mary Finklestein were actually twins.
One of the boys, Jesus, went on to own a carpentry shop,
and later to form a religious movement. The other son,
Hoerkheimer, was thought to have suffered from unresolved
sibling rivalry issues, which may have eventually contributed
to his alcoholism and drug problems."

His parents didn't like it. spike

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