As most people already know by now, ALCOR has a new President/CEO with definite goals in mind. I have not yet found out what are Dr. Jerry Lemler's 34 points to improve ALCOR. But, by putting my imagination to work, I have come up with what COULD be his plan.
1. To remind myself of home, have all ALCOR employees learn to speak with a
2. Install a ninety-nine cents all-you-can-eat buffet. This will bring in
people like nothing else!
3. Discontinue the term, "neuro-stasis." Instead, replace it with a term taken
from the 7-11 convenience store advertising campaign for slushies, which happens
to be, "brain-freeze!" And use their picture of a young boy with an agonized
facial expression because the slushy coldness just hit him!
4. Time for Hugh Hixon, Mike Perry and others to finally leave the nest! But,
they can always come back to have dinner with the family whenever they want to.
5. Ten hours of free psychoanalysis for everyone who signs up! And one hour weekly of free psychoanalysis for all staff members.
6. Plan expedition to capture bigfoot -then freeze him!
7. Offer Osama Bin Laden a nice refreshing liquid nitrogen bath to cool down
from all the stress he has been under!
8. Tell Fred Chamberlain he needs to learn how to clone money! Wait, that may
9. Insist Charles Platt write one unabashedly super-optimistic column for the
ALCOR magazine. I mean on par with a typical post from George Smith!
10. Start up a new t.v. cable show called, "This Week at Alcor." Do not hire
those Wayne and Garth guys to host it...
11. Create a cryonics promoting rock band! Name it, "Frozen Heads!"
12. Recruit Bill Gates!
13. Start up the first ever, "Cryonics Olympics!" Then try to beat Robert
Ettinger in the swimming competition.
14. Train cat to ferociously defend ALCOR facilities from intruders.
15. Invest all extra income into lottery tickets. When we win big, money
16. Send some muscle over to those Cells4Life guys, tell 'em a five per cent
cut just ain't enough anymore! Uncle Jerry is raising his cut to ten per cent!
Or just tell them it's one of those religious tithing deals!
17. Recruit Wierd Al Yankovic! He can write songs which will really promote
cryonics in just the way we want people to see it...
18. Move ALCOR to the Vegas strip!! ALCOR Casino here we come!! Our money
problems will be solved once and for all! Must ask banks for a five-hundred million dollar loan raise the necessary capital. On second thought, ask Saul Kent about building the Timeship in Vegas so it can both be the ultimate cryonics facility AND be the best damn casino on the strip!
19. Start up an ALCOR debate team! Charles Platt will be team captain!
20. Start up an ALCOR telethon! There must be enough interesting cryonicists
to keep it going for twenty-four hours!
21. Recruit Julia Roberts for John Grigg. This will allow John to see Julia at
ALCOR activities. He will definitely relocate from Alaska for this.
22. To raise money start up a part-time psychiatric practice in Scottsdale
where I will specialize in patients with a deep fear of death. "Why I head an
organization which could really help you..."
23. Start dressing like Dr. Evil!
24. Have a class of second graders paint bright murals on the boring ALCOR
walls, inside and out.
25. Hold a tribute to Robert Ettinger as a founding father of cryonics before
he eventually dies.
26. Have the ALCOR magazine revamped by the editors of Esquire.
27. Update pre-pentium computers with quantum computing models!
28. Ask Tim Burton to redesign the ALCOR ambulance.
29. Equip each standby team member with a surplus issue Mig-21 fighter jet!
First make sure everyone has a pilot's license...
30. Have the 2002 ALCOR conference in Vegas, then in 2003 follow John Grigg's
advice and have it at the playboy mansion. Wives and girlfriends may veto
this idea though...
31. Brag even more about my great family!!
32. Start up the ALCOR Polar Bear Club! Actually, considering the climate
here, I should create the ALCOR Roadrunner Heatstroke Club!
33. Recruit Larry Ellison!
34. Make ALCOR the number one tourist attraction in Arizona!! As a part of this goal, have Hugh Hixon come up with a recipe for the official ALCOR SuperSlushy! It will come of course in a sealed cold-retaining thermos container.
I hope I made some people smile with this. Because after all, this COULD be his
John : )
Make a difference, help support the relief efforts in the U.S.
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