Theophysical Questions

Hara Ra (
Wed, 10 Jun 1998 01:10:04 -0700

Especially for Ian, Tony and John...

Sent from: daev <>
>Date: Wed, 3 Jun 1998 07:29:56 -0500
>From: Jay Lake <>


You may use a calculator, the Bible, the Koran, the Torah, and the
Book of Mormon. The speed of light is c. Show all work. For all
problems, assume a perfectly spherical Jesus of constant density D. No
praying during the exam.

1. (20 pts.) Bob and Joe are standing on a street corner. God loves
each an equal amount L_0. Bob then accelerates to .9c. In Joe's rest
frame, how much does God now love Bob?

2. Sven, a Catholic, is in a state of grace. He then has sex with
sheep S. a. (8 pts.) What is Sven's atonement coefficient following
the act if the sheep was not willing? b. (12 pts.) What if the sheep,
while not technically being willing, could not be said to mind either?

3. (20 pts.) Let the eternal, all abiding love of the Holy Spirit be
the xy plane. Let Sue's soul be at (0,0,5) at t = 0 sec., traveling at
5 m/s in the direction of the positive z axis. Everything is in
Cartesian coor- -dinates bespeaking subscription to a perfectly
rational Enlightenment attitude towards the Universe. At what time t
will Sue be saved? (Hint: Assume a point soul.)

4. (20 pts.) Assume the Rapture occurs at time t. Cornelia, a saved
human weighing 90 kg, in a state of grace, has her head in the closing
jaws of an alligator at time t. What mass of meat will remain to the
alligator at time t + 10 sec.?

5. Stan is a frictionless, massless Mormon in a rest state. His sin
level for his faith is currently 11 McBeals. He eats .3 kg of pork,
and enjoys it very much. Assume that the Jews are right about, well,
pretty much everything. a. (10 pts.) What is Stan's sin level now?

b. (10 pts.) Stan is one of them Salt Lake City Mormons. He ain't so
damn smug now, is he?

Extra Credit (10 pts): 25 grams of wafers and 20 ml of cheap wine
undergo transubstantiation and become the flesh and blood of our
Lord. How many Joules of heat are released by the transformation?
Hand in exam when done, and may God have mercy on your work.

| Hara Ra <> |
| Box 8334 Santa Cruz, CA 95061 |
| |
| Death is for animals; |
| immortality for gods. |
| Technology is the means by |
| which we make the transition. |