CTHULHU - "Look-and-feel" Lawsuit

Hara Ra (harara@shamanics.com)
Fri, 14 Mar 1997 22:40:58 -0800

I shouldn't do this, but....

Sent from: Dave Hemming <surfbaud@NO-SPAM.waverider.co.uk>

This is original from me. It was originally an answer I wrote for the
Internet Oracle - I've reworked it as a standalone.

* * *

To Microsoft Lawyers, Inc.
>From Azathoth, Nyarlathotep and Hastur, Elder Attorneys.


Our agents among the mortal herd have brought to Our attention
your recent product entitled Windows '95. Therefore We now give
you statutory notice of intent of proceedings to be taken against
Microsoft by the Many-Angled Ones.

With this suit We will show that Windows '95, and to a lesser
extent all of the Microsoft range of products, infringe upon the
recognised "look-and-feel" of the Elder Gods, for the following

o Windows '95 is a crawling abomination from the darkest
pits of Hell;

o No man can be in its presence for too long without being
driven into gibbering insanity;

o A cult who worship it exist in secret amongst the mortal

o Those who associate with it for too long develop common
physical characteristics, to wit: pale, clammy skin, bulging
eyes, generally unkempt physical appearance, tendency
towards nocturnal living, change in diet to that which normal
men do not eat (in your case tacos, burgers and Jolt Coke;
in Ours, human flesh, Fungi of Yuggoth and the blood of Alien

o Mysterious tomes that purport to explain this phenomenon are
reputed to exist; they are bound in an unnatural substance
and only available at a terrible cost to the user.

o The Microsoft range of products seek to utterly dominate
the world, and force all who dwell there to live in eternal

As you can see, Our case is very strong, especially when
you consider that most judges prefer not to have chittering
things with tentacles for faces scoop out their brains and
eat them.

We hope that you will consider these points carefully and settle
out of court, since it is not Our intention to have your senior
partners spend the rest of their mercifully short lives under
heavy sedation in a maximum security psychiatric hospital. After
all, it was the Lords of the Outer Planes who gave humanity
lawyers in the first place.

Respectfully yours,

<Oddly disturbing squiggle in some sort of ichor>

pp. J. Arthur Hastur, LL.B., B.C.L, B.D

* * *
Dave 1997

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