From: Terry W. Colvin (fortean1@mindspring.com)
Date: Fri Jul 04 2003 - 13:51:05 MDT
I usually don't get involved in political discussions, but here's a good one.
Mac
Subj: And therein lies the truth
How it all began -- conservatives and liberals
"The division of the human family into its two distinct branches, liberals
and conservatives, occurred some 20,000 years ago. Until then all humans
coexisted as members of small bands of nomadic hunter/gatherers. A
thousand generations ago, in the pivotal event of societal evolution, beer
was invented. This epochal innovation was both the foundation of modern
civilization and the occasion of the great bifurcation of humanity into its
two distinct subgroups. Once beer was discovered, our prehistoric
forebears decided it was time to settle down. Making beer required grain,
and securing a steady supply of it ordained the invention of
agriculture. After that was accomplished, ancient man quickly, and
unfairly, consigned actual cultivation to women. Men couldn't just run
off, willy-nilly, however. Neither the glass bottle nor the aluminum can
had yet been invented, so it was necessary to stick pretty close to home,
and the brewery.
This left our male ancestors with a lot of time on their hands, and led to
the division of the species, which persists to this day. Some men tried
to conserve remnants of the old way of life (hence the term "conservative")
by spending their days in the open field in the dangerous pursuit of big
game animals. At night they would roast their prey at a big barbecue, and
afterwards sat around the fire drinking beer, passing wind and telling off
color jokes. Other, more timid, souls stayed closer to home. They are
responsible for the domestication of cats and the invention of group
therapy. Mostly, they sat around worrying about how life wasn't fair and
concocting elaborate schemes to "liberate" themselves from inequity (thus
their designation as "liberals"). In the evening they gathered around
their fire, nibbling on fruit and nuts, sharing their innermost feelings.
Today some liberals try to pretend they're really sort of conservative, and
sometimes succeed in confusing people. The following are a few tips to use
in distinguishing the two types. By definition liberals believe in big
government and high taxes. Life is unfair and the government is there to
do something about it. Most people are too stupid to spend untaxed income
wisely, they say, and high taxes allow liberals in government to do a
better job of it.
Conservatives don't like government, and, aside from the military, wish it
would just go away. They hate taxes, regulations, speed limits, and small
cars. Typical conservatives are Arnold Schwarzenegger, Ronald Reagan,
Rush Limbaugh and, up there with the Big Man in the Sky, the incomparable
John Wayne.
Typical liberals are Dustin Hoffman, Shirley McLaine, Pee Wee Herman,
Martin Sheen, Sean Penn, Barbara Streisand, Ted Turner and his former wife,
the traitor Jane Fonda.
All conservatives drink beer. American beer. Some liberals like imported
beer, but most prefer white wine or foreign water from a bottle. Liberals
like to drive Volvos and Saabs because they're made in socialist
Sweden. They like to eat weird food because it's un-American.
Your basic conservative vehicle, especially in Alaska, is the Chevy
Suburban. It's big, it's American, it's four wheel drive, and it sucks up
the gas. Conservatives eat beef, which they (surprise!) like to
barbecue. Big game hunters are conservative. Interior decorators are
liberal. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule in baseball because
it wasn't "fair" to make the poor pitcher take his turn at bat.
Conservatives, inspired by a remark of the legendary Pittsburgh Steeler
linebacker Jack Lambert, believe quarterbacks should be required to wear
skirts, so they can more easily be distinguished from real football players.
James Brown and Ray Charles are conservatives. Michael Jackson and Milli
Vanilli are liberals. Most social workers, personal injury lawyers,
journalists, and group therapists are liberals. Most ranchers, loggers,
professional soldiers, and steeplejacks are conservatives. Liberal jurors
distrust the prosecutors and police. Conservatives figure the defendant
must be guilty or he wouldn't be on trial. Most conservatives not only
believe in the death penalty, they would cheerfully implement it,
personally, if called upon to do so. Liberals think capital punishment is a
barbaric relic, and unfair to boot. Liberals believe Europeans are,
generally speaking, far more enlightened than Americans. Conservatives
think they're basically decadent, as evidenced by their complete absence in
wars. Typical conservative movies are "Raising Arizona", "Patton", and
"Conan the Barbarian". Typical liberal movies are "Prince of Tides", "Last
Tango in Paris", and "The Big Chill". The quintessential liberal is the
handicapper, the person who decides how much extra weight to saddle the
faster horses with in order to make the race "fair".
The American cowboy, of course, is your basic, full bore conservative. A
hundred years ago an Englishman in South Dakota was trying to find the
owner of a huge cattle ranch. He rode up to one of the ranch hands and
asked, "Excuse me, but could you tell me where to find your Master?" To
which the cowboy replied, "That sumbitch hasn't been born yet."
-- Terry W. Colvin, Sierra Vista, Arizona (USA) < fortean1@mindspring.com > Alternate: < fortean1@msn.com > Home Page: < http://www.geocities.com/Area51/Stargate/8958/index.html > Sites: * Fortean Times * Mystic's Haven * TLCB * U.S. Message Text Formatting (USMTF) Program ------------ Member: Thailand-Laos-Cambodia Brotherhood (TLCB) Mailing List TLCB Web Site: < http://www.tlc-brotherhood.org >[Vietnam veterans, Allies, CIA/NSA, and "steenkeen" contractors are welcome.]
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