From: Harvey Newstrom (mail@HarveyNewstrom.com)
Date: Tue Jun 03 2003 - 11:10:28 MDT
[The "VR-BAR" is a simulated environment where extropians get together to
interact in a more realistic manner than text messages.]
Harv: (loudly) We're just wasting our lives pretending to be on the cutting
edge when we're not!
(At this point the loud music in the bar has just reached dramatic pause and
Harv's outburst echoes in the temporary lull as everybody turns to stare at
Harv.)
Harv: Err... (waves hands in a desperately explanatory manner) ...or NOT!
(Music continues on. Everybody continues their individual conversations.
Harv drops back down into his chair.)
Blond: (sitting at table left of Harv) WOW, Eeyore!
Denubian Slime-Mold: (oozes off-table and away with nauseating gloppiness)
You're embarrassing me!
Brunette: (sitting at table across from Harv) I knew you would snap one
day!
Robotender: (Robot bartender arrives) Here's your SmartDrink.
Harv: (irritated) I didn't order any SmartDrink.
Robotender: It's from an anonymous patron. You have 14 of these queued up.
(his red LED eyes stare matter-of-factly, then he swivels around and leaves)
Harv: (Slumps) Oh! (Punches numbers on his wristwatch to give the
robotender the sum total of 14 tips.)
Robotender: (voice comes back through the wristwatch) Thanks, buddy!
Brunette: (explaining to Blond) They make most of their tips from depressed
people.
Blond: (to Harv) At least you got free drinks. I wish I had thought of
that!
Brunette: (reading words floating on the side of the glass) It's got
'Extra Smartening Power!'
Harv: (frowning at Brunette grinning back at him)
Brunette: (repeating for emphasis) 'Extra!'
Blond: So what's really bothering you, Eeyore? No heffalumps?
Brunette: What's a heffalump?
Harv: It's an imaginary elephant seen only in children's stories or by
drunks.
Brunette: And you're seeing these, why?
Blond: Well, he just turned 40....
Brunette: (nodding in conclusion) You're drunk!
Harv: I'm bored....
Blond and Brunette: (both mocking extreme attentiveness to Harv's
explanation)
Harv: I thought this place would be better. More impressive. (Puts hands
up to frame imaginary headlines in the air) "Real Scientists..." "Real
Solutions..." "Real interesting..."
Blond: But you've got 14 "solutions" queued up!
Brunette: And you've got friends all around you to help you drink them.
Harv: I wanted something real.
Brunette: We're not real?
Blond: (to Brunette) We're Heffalumps.
Harv: (sarcastically) You're idiots! (pauses to drink) We're all idiots.
Why aren't we curing disease, building spaceships or uploading by now? We
all just sit around and talk about great stuff we'll probably never get
around to doing.
Brunette: I want my flying car!
Blond: (nodding sympathetically) It's because of the Heffalumps, isn't it?
Harv: (points at Blond in excited agreement) Yes! That's it! We're all
so busy building Heffalump traps. (exaggerating paranoid expression) And
I'm beginning to wonder if there really are any Heffalumps at all....
Blond: (wide eyed) You ARE Eeyore! (takes a drink)
Brunette: (raising glass in toast) The New Eeyore!
Blond: "Neo-" Eeyore... (nods expectantly) "Neo" Get it...?
Brunette: Well, tell us this "Neo-Eeyorism." It sounds dreadfully gothic.
Harv: I just wonder if we are wasting our lives. Why aren't we doing
"important" things?
Blond: We? Why aren't YOU?
Brunette: (simultaneously with above) Like What?
Harv: I don't know.
Blond: (sadly dismissive) The failure of the human brain...
Brunette: (putting on the voice of Q from Star Trek: The Next Generation)
But, I should have known that you would destroy humanity by your apathy.
I'm not the one doing nothing. You're doing nothing. You're doing it now!
You did it before, and you'll do it again.
Harv: (Picard voice) Stop it, Q! I'm not on trial here!
Brunette: (as "Q") Aren't you? You just don't get it, do you? The trial
never ends....
Blond: (Draining glass and looks into it still holding it sideways) All
good things must come to an end. (puts down glass and turns toward Harv)
Really! If you're bored, maybe YOU'RE boring! If nobody's doing anything,
maybe you're their leader!
Brunette: Maybe they're all out there doing exciting secret stuff, and you
just don't know about it.
All three: (scanning the crowd for signs of intelligent activity...)
All three: (together, shake their heads) Nah...
Harv: OK. So I'm just expressing my boredom and my innate desire for
"more"!
Brunette: More?
Blond: (to Brunette) "Moore." (to Harv) You're a hacker! A power-user. A
"security professional." (He puts quote marks in the air with his fingers
and exaggerates the importance of the title.) You always want things
faster, bigger, better than before.
Brunette: You mean, "faster, SMALLER, better!"
Blond: (to Brunette) Excellent! (to Harv) You're looking ahead into this
giant light-cone of the future that hasn't happened yet. And you say (in
squeaky Harv voice), "Oh look how much there is to do, and we haven't done
anything yet."
Harv: I don't sound like that!
Brunette: Whereas the other idiots don't see the future. So they look
backwards at the small fraction of time in our history and say (gruff
non-Harv voice), "Oh look how much we accomplished."
Harv: NOBODY sounds like THAT!
Blond: Everybody who sees the future is frustrated with the present. It's
our burden for being visionaries. We can never accomplish enough compared
to what we want to accomplish.
Brunette: Yeah. You're exaggerating when you say we aren't doing anything.
What you really mean is (squeaky Harv voice) "We aren't doing as much as we
want to do!"
Blond: Everybody would agree with that.
Harv: I don't agree with that. (softer to self) Because I don't sound like
that.
Blond and Brunette: (faking distraction by looking elsewhere so they don't
have to respond to Harv's last statement)
Harv: (pretends to dramatically slam fist on table) Maybe you're right!
(long pause while the other two stare at Harv expectantly) Maybe I do sound
like that! (other two laugh) I mean, maybe I sound whiney!
Brunette (sideways to Blond): "Wine-y"?
Blond: (back to Brunette) "Winnie"!
Brunette: "Winnie-the-Pooh?"
Blond: "Winnie-the-Pooh-Pooher-of-ideas"
Harv: Stop it! (finishes last of drink and sets down empty glass
simultaneously as Robotender is setting down another full glass in unison)
Robotender: (takes empty glass and puts it on tray he is carrying on one
hand) Thank you for tipping in advance! Your queue of 13 drinks can be
redeemed at any time.
Harv: (waves at his two companions) Serve them, too.
Robotender: (serves two more drinks from his tray) I knew you would say
that! You are generous to robots and humans alike! (swivels and leaves)
Blond and Brunette: Thanks! (clinking glasses together and drinking)
Harv: (sarcastically rolling eyes) "Thanks..." Am I that predictable?
Blond: (nodding in agreement) Predictable! To robots and humans alike!
Brunette: (cheerfully) And boring! That's why we like you.
Blond: (setting down glass after large gulp) And delicious! Maybe you
should become less boring.
Brunette: (sideways to Blond) Now you're scaring me.
Blond: Maybe you need to admit that you're just bored and depressed because
you just turned 40, you don't know what to do with your life, and you want
all of us to achieve our wildest futuristic fantasies!
Harv: OK, I admit it. It's me, me, me! I've got to do something if I'm
frustrated with things. I'll try to do better.
Brunette: (sideways to Blond) I notice he doesn't yell his retraction as
loud as his original outburst....
Harv: (rolling eyes) OK! (yelling with maniacal dramatic movements of his
hands) We're not wasting our lives! We really are on the cutting edge!
(At this point the loud music in the bar has just reached dramatic pause and
Harv's outburst echoes in the temporary lull as everybody turns to stare at
Harv. Then the music continues on. Everybody continues their individual
conversations. Harv drops back down into his chair.)
Robotender: Here's your de-caff Relax-o-Drink. (setting down cup)
Harv: (irritated) I didn't order any.... (slumps in resignation) Oh!
Robotender: You have 26 of these queued up.
-- Harvey Newstrom, CISSP, IAM, GSEC, IBMCP <www.HarveyNewstrom.com> <www.Newstaff.com>
This archive was generated by hypermail 2.1.5 : Tue Jun 03 2003 - 11:25:00 MDT