French Military History (was How's it all playing in France itself?)

From: Lee Corbin (lcorbin@tsoft.com)
Date: Sat Feb 22 2003 - 03:32:47 MST

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    Spike posts a piece from the NY Post, a history quite
    inaccurate in my view. No mention anywhere of how
    France got to be the biggest country in Europe. No
    mention of the wars they actually won, including
    Louis XIV's extremely costly ones that gave France
    its extensive boundaries. No mention of the way that
    French military science was so envied and adopted
    around the world that even all our usual terms
    ---Captain, Lieutenant, Colonel, etc.,---
    and so on, are mostly of French origin. It was France
    who ended Spain's near invincibility in 1650, and then
    went on for over two hundred years being
    the biggest and most feared superpower. After Waterloo,
    French might was still feared, much as Germany's was
    and perhaps is.

    You know, speaking of nations that lose wars, it may have
    a subtle effect on their psychology. Notice how Sweden's
    army terrorized Europe for centuries---so warlike, so
    feared on the battlefield, until Peter the Great pulled
    their teeth. Since then---it seems to me they've been a
    rather peaceful bunch. And now, in another thread it's
    wondered why the Germans sound so peaceful, e.g. on this list,
    while it's the Americans and Brits who're warlike. Well,
    they've not had a drubbing recently. Hmm.

    Lee

    > -----Original Message-----
    > The Complete Military History of France.
    >
    > Gallic Wars - Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2,000
    > years of French history, France is conquered by, of all things, an Italian.
    >
    > Hundred Years War - Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic
    > who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare: France's
    > armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman.
    >
    > Italian Wars - Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever
    > lose two wars when fighting Italians.
    >
    > Wars of Religion - France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots.
    >
    > Thirty Years War - France is technically not a participant, but manages
    > to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the
    > other participants started ignoring her.
    >
    > War of Devolution - Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as
    > chapeaux.
    >
    > The Dutch War - Tied.
    >
    > War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War -
    > Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three non-outright defeats in a row cause
    > historians to correctly label the period as the height of French
    > military power.
    >
    > War of the Spanish Succession - Lost. The war also gave the French their
    > first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved every since.
    >
    > American Revolution - In a move that will become quite familiar to
    > future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists
    > saw far more action. This is later known as "Gaulle Syndrome," and leads
    > to the Second Rule of French Warfare: France only wins when America does
    > most of the fighting.
    >
    > French Revolution - Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was
    > also French.
    >
    > The Napoleonic Wars - Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First
    > Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for
    > a British footwear designer.
    >
    > The Franco-Prussian War - Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunken
    > frat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.
    >
    > World War I - Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the
    > United States. Thousands of French women find out what it's like to not
    > only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein."
    > Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any
    > improvement in the French bloodline.
    >
    > World War II - Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and
    > Britain just as they finish learning the lyrics for "Deutschland Cber
    > Alles."
    >
    > War in Indochina - Lost. French forces plead sickness, take to bed with
    > the Dien Bien Flu.
    >
    > Algerian Rebellion - Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army
    > by a non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First
    > Rule of Muslim Warfare: We can always beat the French. This rule is
    > identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans,
    > English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux.
    >
    > War on Terrorism - Surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe.
    > Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese ambassador fail after he takes
    > refuge in a McDonald's.

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