[ART] Almost Daily Weird Thing of the Day
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Wed, 11 Sep 1996 10:12:33 -0700
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>Date: Wed, 11 Sep 96 09:36:30 est
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>Subject: [ART] Almost Daily Weird Thing of the Day
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> The Borg Meets Microsoft
>
> <Picard> "Mr. LaForge, have you had any success with your attempts at
> finding a weakness in the Borg? Mr. Data, have you been able to
> access their command pathways?"
>
> <Geordi> "Yes, Captain. In fact, we found the answer by searching
> through our archives on late Twentieth-century computing technology."
>
> <Geordi presses a key, and a logo appears on the computer screen.>
>
> <Riker looks puzzled.> "What the hell is 'Microsoft'?"
>
> <Data turns to answer.> "Allow me to explain. We will send this
> program, for some reason called 'Windows' through the Borg command
> pathways. Once inside their root command unit, it will begin consuming
> system resources at an unstoppable rate."
>
> <Picard> "But the Borg have an ability to adapt. Won't they alter
> their processing systems to increase their storage capacity?"
>
> <Data> "Yes, Captain. But when 'Windows' detects this, it creates a
> new version of itself known as an 'upgrade'. The use of resources
> increases exponentially with each iteration. The Borg will not be able
> to adapt quickly enough. Eventually all of their processing ability
> will be taken over and none will be available for their normal
> operational functions."
>
> <Picard> "Excellent work. This is even better than that 'unsolvable
> geometric shape' idea."
>
> ... 15 minutes later ...
>
> <Data> "Captain, we have successfully installed the 'Windows' in the
> Borg's command unit. As expected, it immediately consumed 85% of all
> available resources. However, we have not received any confirmation of
> the expected 'upgrade'."
>
> <Geordi> "Our scanners have picked up an increase in Borg storage and
> CPU capacity, but we still have no indication of an 'upgrade' to
> compensate for their increase."
>
> <Picard> "Data, scan the history banks again and determine if there is
> something we have missed."
>
> <Data> "Sir, I believe there is a reason for the failure in the
> 'upgrade'. Apparently the Borg have circumvented that part of the
> plan by not sending in their registration cards."
>
> <Riker> "Captain, we have no choice. Requesting permission to begin
> emergency escape sequence 3F..."
>
> <Geordi, excited> "Wait, Captain! Their CPU capacity has suddenly
> dropped to 0%!"
>
> <Picard> "Data, what do your scanners show?"
>
> <Data, studying displays> "Apparently the Borg have found the internal
> 'Windows' module named 'Solitaire' and it has used up all available
> CPU capacity."
>
> <Picard> "Let's wait and see how long this 'Solitaire' can reduce
> their functionality."
>
> ... Two hours pass ...
>
> <Riker> "Geordi, what is the status of the Borg?"
>
> <Geordi> As expected, the Borg are attempting to re-engineer to
> compensate for increased CPU and storage demands, but each time they
> successfully increase resources I have set up our closest deep space
> monitor beacon to transmit more 'Windows' modules from something
> called the 'Microsoft Fun-Pack'."
>
> <Picard> "How much time will that buy us?"
>
> <Data> "Current Borg solution rates allow me to predict an interest
> time span of 6 more hours."
>
> <Geordi> "Captain, another vessel has entered our sector."
>
> <Picard> "Identify."
>
> <Data> "It appears to have markings very similar to the 'Microsoft'
> logo..."
>
> <Over the speakers> "THIS IS ADMIRAL BILL GATES OF THE MICROSOFT
> FLAGSHIP _MONOPOLY_ WE HAVE POSITIVE CONFIRMATION OF UNREGISTERED
> SOFTWARE IN THIS SECTOR. SURRENDER ALL ASSETS AND WE CAN AVOID ANY
> TROUBLE. YOU HAVE 10 SECONDS TO COMPLY."
>
> <Data> "The alien ship has just opened its forward hatches and
> released thousands of humanoid-shaped objects."
>
> <Picard> "Magnify forward viewer on the alien craft!"
>
> <Riker> "My God, Captain! Those are human beings floating straight
> toward the Borg ship - with no life support suits! How can they
> survive the tortures of deep space?!"
>
> <Data> "I don't believe they are humans, sir. If you look closer
> I believe you will see that they are carrying something recognized by
> twenty-first century man as doeskin leather briefcases, and wearing
> Armarni suits."
>
> <Riker and Picard, together - horrified> "Lawyers!!"
>
> <Geordi> "It can't be. All the Lawyers were rounded up and sent
> hurtling into the sun in 2017 during the Greek Awakening."
>
> <Data> "True, but apparently some must have survived."
>
> <Riker> "They have surrounded the Borg ship and are covering it with
> all types of papers."
>
> <Data> "I believe that is known in ancient vernacular as 'red tape'.
> It often proves fatal."
>
> <Riker> "They're tearing the Borg to pieces!"
>
> <Picard> "Turn the monitors off, Data. I can't bear to watch. Even the
> Borg doesn't deserve such a gruesome death!
>
>
> * Origin: Bloom Country BBS! * Myrtle Beach, SC * (803)293-3830
>
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