Newsbreak: God Sues For Alleged Libel

Eric Mortensen (
Thu, 28 Oct 1999 11:19:19 +0200

Found this on :-) Apologies to anyone who has seen it already.


J. Eric Mortensen,,

Elroy, Kansas(AP) God, abandoning his long term policy of reticence and reclusivity, has filed a class action suit, in the First District Court of Elroy, accusing the authors of the books of the Old Testament and current ministers of the Xtian religions, with criminal libel without intent to defame. He said that the suit has long been overdue.

"I never said or did the terrible, sadistic things that are routinely attributed to me in the OT," He said. "I never slew whole tribes of people, turned people to salt, caused plagues, or inundated the entire world to chastise an errant people no matter how compelling the provocation may have been. Mine was a Kingdom of Love. The Holy Book, as I wrote it in clear universal language, was an impeccable example of brotherly love and inerrant writing. Later translators and ministers of the clergy have made a mis-mash of what was a clear and endearing spiritual message."

God also deplored the over emphasis on the importance of his only begotten son. "It should be "What Would God Say,' instead of 'What Would Jesus Say,'" he mused in a moment of open frankness, attempting to correct the record without unduly minimizing the importance of his son. He pointed out that the garden scene was not as depicted in the current bible. Rather than unauthorized eating from the Tree of Knowledge, it was unbridled consensual sex. It was more than that. After Eve made known her sexual requirements, it was the consummation of wanton lust. The Serpent was so astonished that he had to avert his gaze to avoid permanently losing his sight. Adam later stated, "I did not have sex with that woman." If so, it was the first but not the last incident of unconventional sex in a First Family. In this case, however, virginity may actually have been at stake,

God was extremely vexed by the fundamentalist notion that he had created Evil. He stressed that he did not create Evil, but that it evolved from man's basic primitive nature--proof that evolution is a fact. He created the world, and then, was forced to stand back and ruminate on the strange mutability of celestial affairs when Evil appeared. This explanation of the origin of Evil gives substantial support and credence to Dr. Falwel's vocalization of the word as Evilution. In any event alleged theodicies are just that--idocies.

Kansas as the scene of the filing of the suit is significant because of the recent controversy about teaching Creationism in science classes. Joshua Arkisfoond, a member of the school board, when asked his opinion, stated that Creationism needed to be taught in Public Schools because the main line religions were doing such a bad job of it, or refused to teach it at all.

On the matter of sex in human relationships, God stated that, if the old doctors of the church and the writers of dogma had had access to impotence reducing potions as are now commonly available, they would have written a more pleasing doctrine for the faithful. After the Rapture, he expects the watchword in Heaven to be: 'Just say No to abstinence.' It will be heaven indeed.

God was asked if he had any regrets. He replied, "No, none. It was a close call with the Anthropic Principle, however. I defined the basic unit of ignorance as the 'sinister.' Had it been defined as the "jabriol,' which is 1 million times larger, this world would not have been possible."

God says that he intends to call on members of alt.atheism to testify in his behalf because they have contended all along that the modern day bible is only a poorly written account of ancient superstitions that are not at all in line with a benevolent supreme being's comportment.

It will be interesting to see how this suit plays out. The lawyers are probably the only ones who will get any satisfaction out of it.

Interesting things are happening in Kansas.