>From Kelly McGillis:
I was at my hometown over the weekend and it was that time of early
boring afternoon when recreational drugs are frowned upon, so I busied
myself with quantum physics and the God Particle. I was surrounded with
my personal version of mathematical formulas when I was asked if I would
babysit a whole slew of children while the mothers went on a shopping
expidition. I jumped at the opportunity, realizing that with all the
practical adults out of the house, I could indulge somewhat.
Soon I realized there were so many children running around the place
that I didn't know what to do. They were totally out of control. So I
just shrugged and went back to my quantum physics. I was at the point
of proving that a wormhole existed in my brain when there was a HUGE
crash. It occured to me that perhaps the little ones were actually
destroying my mother's house, so I jumped up and yelled "HEY!" and put
my arm up like a police officer stopping traffic. They immediately came
to attention. "Don't you know that people who live in stone houses don't
throw bricks!"
"Yeah," one of em said, "And don't you know people who live in houses
with Christmas trees shouldn't throw presents!"
"Well, that would be stupid, breaking a present before you even opened
it! The fun is breaking them *after* you open them!"
A tiny one was pulling on my leg. "Aunt Kelly?"
"And who are you," I said. "Do you belong to this family? Or did you
sneak in?"
"I'm...I'm..I'mmm..."
"I knew it! Not only do I have a wormhole in my brain, you are not my
nieces and nephews! YOU'RE REPLICATING BEHIND MY BACK!"
"I'm...I'mmmm..."
"Good lord child, don't you know how to talk?"
"Tory! I'mmm Tory! And stoooopid is a bad word Aunt Kelly."
I eyed her suspiciously. This one was a replicant for sure. Then they
all started yelling at me that stooooopid was a bad word.
"Okay, replicants! That's enough! Where are my real nieces and
nephews? What idiot told you stuooopid was a bad word?"
Their teachers. Their parents. Every adult on the face of earth except
me, I discovered.
"Well, then, I'll just have to teach you a new word. Say after me:
REEE-DICKKK-YOU-LUSSS. Use that word instead of stupid, OK?"
"Aunt Kelly?"
"Yes," I said warming up to the topic.
"YOU ARE REEE-DICKKK-YOU-LUSS!"
"Hey! Who do you think you are? A McGillis?"
The parents thankfully arrived back and were appalled at the mess.
Their kids, not my prob, right?
One of my ridiculous sisters-in-law had the nerve to ask me when I was
going to have children. "NEVER!" I replied. "It's my mission in life
to be an aunt! And its a mission I think I excel at!"
"Yeah, and she's even got worms in her brain!"
"That, you little replicant, is a worm hole!"
Kelly McGillis
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