HUMOR: Dr. Lemler's 34 points to better ALCOR

From: john grigg (
Date: Sun Oct 07 2001 - 23:49:22 MDT

Hello everyone,

As most people already know by now, ALCOR has a new president/CEO with
definite goals in mind. I have not yet found out what are Dr. Jerry
Lemler's 34 points to improve ALCOR. But, by putting my imagination to
work, I have come up with what COULD be his plan.

1. To remind himself of home, have all ALCOR employees learn to speak with
a southern accent!

2. Install a ninety-nine cents all-you-can-eat buffet. This will bring in
people like nothing else!

3. Discontinue the term, "neuro-stasis." Instead, replace it with a term
taken from the 7-11 convenience store advertising campaign for slushies,
which happens to be, "brain-freeze!" And use their picture of a young boy
with an agonized facial expression because the slushy coldness just hit him!

4. Time for Hugh Hixon, Mike Perry and others to finally leave the nest!
But, they can always come back to have dinner with the family.

5. Ten hours of free psychoanalysis for everyone who signs up! One hour
weekly of free psychoanalysis to all staff members.

6. Plan expedition to capture bigfoot -then freeze him!

7. Offer Osama Bin Laden a nice refreshing liquid nitrogen bath to cool
down from all the stress he has been under!

8. Tell Fred Chamberlain he needs to learn how to clone money! Wait, that
may be illegal!

9. Insist Charles Platt write one unabashedly super-optimistic column for
the ALCOR magazine. I mean on par with a typical post from George Smith!

10. Start up a new t.v. cable show called, "This Week at Alcor." Do not
hire those Wayne and Garth guys to host it...

11. Create a cryonics promoting rock band! Name it, "Frozen Heads!"

12. Recruit Bill Gates!

13. Start up the first ever, "Cryonics Olympics!" Then beat try to beat
Robert Ettinger in the swimming competition.

14. Train my cat to ferociously defend ALCOR facilities from intruders.

15. Invest all extra income into lottery tickets. When we win big, money
problems solved!!

16. Send some muscle over to those Cells4Life guys, tell 'em a five per
cent cut just ain't enough anymore! Uncle Jerry is raising his cut to ten
per cent! Or just tell them it's one of those religious tithing deals!

17. Recruit Wierd Al Yankovic! He can write songs which will really
promote cryonics in just the way we want people to see it...

18. Move ALCOR to the Vegas strip!! ALCOR Casino here we come!! Our money
problems will finally be solved! But first, must ask banks for a
five-hundred million dollar loan to raise the necessary capital.

19. Start up an ALCOR debate team! Charles Platt will be team captain!

20. Start up an ALCOR telethon! There must be enough interesting
cryonicists to keep it going for twenty-four hours!

21. Recruit Julia Roberts for John Grigg. This will allow John to see
Julia at ALCOR activities. John says he will definitely relocate from
Alaska for this.

22. To raise money start up a part-time psychiatric practice in Scottsdale
where I will specialize in patients with a deep fear of death. "Why I head
an organization which could really help you..."

23. Start dressing like Dr. Evil!

24. Have a class of second graders paint bright murals on the boring ALCOR
walls, inside and out.

25. Hold a tribute to Robert Ettinger as a founding father of cryonics
before he eventually dies.

26. Have the ALCOR magazine revamped by the editors of Esquire.

27. Update pre-pentium computers with quantum computing models!

28. Ask Tim Burton to redesign the ALCOR ambulance.

29. Equip each standby team member with a surplus issue Mig-21 fighter jet!
  Make sure first everyone has a pilot's license...

30. Have the 2002 ALCOR conference in Vegas, then in 2003 follow John
Grigg's advice and have it at the playboy mansion. Wives and girlfriends
may veto this...

31. Brag even more about my great family!!

32. Start up the ALCOR Polar Bear Club! Actually, considering the climate
here, I should create the ALCOR Roadrunner Heatstroke Club!

33. Recruit Larry Ellison!

34. Make ALCOR the number one tourist attraction in Arizona!! And to
prepare for this, have Hugh Hixon develop a recipe for the ALCOR
super-slushy! Obviously, it will be sold in a very well insulated

I hope I made some people smile with this. Because after all, this COULD be
his plan!

best wishes,

John : )

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