Utilizing Candy as a Tool of Psychological Warfare in the Workplace or,
"How the Grinch Ruined the Office Christmas Party"
By Mike Lorrey
Chances are that in your workplace there are a number of people who keep
candy or fruit bowls on their desks. Many secretaries are slaves to
chocolate, I have found, especially Hershey's(R) Kisses(TM), as well as
various M&Ms(TM), while programmers show a predeliction for bubble gum,
lolli-pops, butterscotch candy, and for those who forget to brush their
teeth for weeks on end, mints and hot balls.
Because candy is such a food of self gratification, it is an effective
tool for using positive and negative re-inforcement techniques in
building or destroying office morale, esprit de corps, and general
productivity and creativity. I am sure there is a human resources person
somewhere trying to patent a mechanism to distribute controlled
quantities of candy throughout a cubicle ridden officeplace in exchange
for completed work units to maximize the efficiency of this concept.
Everyone is familiar with the tactic of buying candy or other food or
drink for your boss or other upper echelon person in order to butter up
those likely to promote. Its a classic tactic, sometimes taken to
extremes by some women (or demanded by some men). What many don't
realize is that they can use each piece of candy in the workplace as a
controlled dose of memetic confusion, uncertainty and doubt.
There are those who may desire to profit from the decreased productivity
in their workplace. Make a fortune in shorts on the futures market by
betting on reduced profits by your employer. Here I've listed a number
of ideas that the local self styled agent of the Erisian Liberation Army
can utilize to systematically and scientifically destroy workplace
cohesion as part of their own Operation Mindfuck.
a) play 'musical candy', where after work you snag all the candy out of
one
person's bowl and put it all in another person's bowl. That will work
wonders to help spark workplace animosities.
b) kidnap ALL candy in the office one night, then put it all back the
following night.
c) Mix up and/or swap people's candy bowl contents.
d) if you are concerned about your own susceptibility for candy, but are
trying to get THEM to gain weight, then what you want to do is fill the
bowl with candy that YOU don't like... or...
e) buy candy to put in the bowls on THEIR desks... and they'll thank you
for being so generous too!!!
f) If you want to resist the temptation but are weak, what you can do is
pillage everyone else's candy bowls after hours and give it all to your
kids, nephews, or just kids playing at the local park. People will get
pissed and won't buy any more candy.
f) Now, if your aim is to get someone specific canned, or just in
trouble, put a whole pile of candy wrappers in their trash bin, then
suggest that people look for that evidence when they are on the warpath
in the morning...
Now, if you have security cameras, there is obviously some risk to these
activities. One must be prepared and able to cover one's tracks.
Stocking type ski masks can cure this, but be sure to not have your
favorite shirt or pocket protector in plain view for people to identify
the perpetrator by.
Repeat any or all of these suggestions until you have a workplace riven
with mistrust, paranoia, hostility, and an absolutely ruined team
spirit. At the very least, it will spark some very entertaining drunk
fights at your office christmas party. Oh, yeah, its beautiful.
Michael S. Lorrey
Minister of Memetic/Psychological Warfare
Department of Governmental/Industral Sabotage
Erisian Liberation Army
This archive was generated by hypermail 2b30 : Mon May 28 2001 - 09:50:34 MDT