Humor: Quote on longevity, and more...

Sasha Chislenko (
Wed, 15 Sep 1999 17:10:48 -0500

[ From Intelligent humor list; the first quote is on longevity,

others are on other things, but still offer a good reminder on who democratically decides how long we all should live. Maybe somebody should call these important people up and explain them things? ]

And some are just funny...

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever."
> > > -- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest

"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff."
> > > -- Mariah Carey

"Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two, but can't remember what they are."
> > > -- Matt Lauer on NBC's Today show, August 22

"I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law."
> > > -- David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations
that he failed to pay his taxes.

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life."
> > > -- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson
for a federal anti-smoking

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body."
> > > -- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country."
> > > -- Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, D.C.

"We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees."
> > > -- Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks

"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president."
> > > -- Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed

"China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese."
> > > -- Former French President Charles De Gaulle

"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it."
> > > -- A congressional candidate in Texas

"I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them. There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves."
> > > --John Wayne

"Half this game is ninety percent mental."
> > > -- Philadelphia Phillies manager Danny Ozark

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
> > > -- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle

"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix"
> > > -- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle

"The private enterprise system indicates that some people have higher incomes than others."
> > > -- Gerry Brown

"It's no exaggeration to say that the undecideds could go one way or another."
> > > -- George Bush, US President

"I have opinions of my own -strong opinions- but I don't always agree with them."
> > > -- George Bush, US President

"Not only is he ambidextrous, but he can throw with either hand."
> > > -- Duffy Daugherty, football coach and sports analyst

"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"
> > > -- Lee Iacocca

"Please provide the date of your death."
> > > -- from an IRS letter

I was under medication when I made the decision to burn the tapes."
> > > -- Richard Nixon, US President

"I was provided with additional input that was radically different from the truth. I assisted in furthering that version."
> > > -- Colonel Oliver North, from his Iran-Contra testimony

"We are sorry to announce that Mr. Albert Brown has been quite unwell, owing to his recent death, and is taking a short holiday to recover."
> > > --Parish Magazine

"Men, I want you just thinking of one word all season. One word and one word only: Super Bowl."
> > > -- Bill Peterson, football coach

"Hawaii is a unique state. It is a small state. It is a state that is by itself. It is different from the other 49 states. Well, all states are different, but it's got a particularly unique situation."
> > > -- Dan Quayle, US VP

"Be sure and put some of those neutrons on it."
> > > --Mike Smith, Baseball pitcher, ordering a salad at a restaurant

"We are not without accomplishment. We have managed to distribute poverty equally."
> > > -- Nguyen Co Thatch, Vietnamese foreign minister

"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
> > > -- Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback and sports analyst

"Fiction writing is great. You can make up almost anything."
> > > -- Ivana Trump, upon finishing her first novel

I've read about foreign policy and studied -- I know the number of continents."
> > > -- George Wallace, 1968 presidential campaign

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
> > > --Dan Quayle

Alexander Chislenko <> Intelligent Humor page: <>