RE: How to keep'em off Your Couch!

From: Lee Corbin (
Date: Wed Aug 01 2001 - 10:36:12 MDT

I have a friend who is delighted every time that the door bell
rings. One can only be reminded by the phrase ' "Come in! Come in!",
said the spider to the fly'. He sits them down and with his rather
unequaled knowledge of the bible proceeds in the most eminently
polite and serious manner possible to lay out contradiction upon
contradiction, cruelties, and simply unbelieveable incidents all
in the manner of someone who simply wants to know the truth. And
the latter is no lie---my friend Spencer indeed believes that "the
truth" is his religion.

I used to imitate him for a time, but I have neither his encyclopediac
knowledge nor his infinite patience, though I do have a couple of
amusing stories that I should share some time.


P.S. Loved the quip by someone that he had taken too much LDS
during the sixties---whether that was an intentional joke or typo!!

> -----Original Message-----
> From:
> []On Behalf Of Natasha Vita-More
> Sent: Wednesday, August 01, 2001 7:57 AM
> To:
> Subject: Re: How to keep'em off Your Couch!
> Hahahaha! Hahahha. Michael you are very funny! John, thanks for sharing!
> The thing is, for me anyway, this piece is so darn visual.
> Natasha
> At 09:19 PM 7/31/01 -0900, you wrote:
> >I got a kick out of reading what Natasha shared. It was like a simplistic
> version of my old missionary training manual. Now, that was a very thick
> volume which contained the wisdom and experience of the church missionary
> program.
> >
> >Mike Lorrey shared:
> >>Good one, Natasha. I've developed countermeasures to >these over time.
> >
> >As a returned missionary for the LDS church, I am very familiar with all
> such tactics! ;) You are a kind man compared to some folks who actually
> threatened me with fisticuffs or even guns.
> >
> >>a) having a VERY friendly and noisy dog helps keep >them outside. I just
> open the door wide enough to >stick my head out. The yapping dog keeps them
> from >wanting to venture further.
> >
> >Big, barking dogs work very well. Although, I had one missionary
> companion who could somehow charm dogs(and he was big too) and the owners
> would look so disappointedly at their pets as we made it to the door! lol
> >
> >>b) I say, 'Hey, brothers, have you guys been biking >all over town in
> those shirts and ties ALL DAY? You >must be REALLY HOT and TIRED," all
> while not making >any effort to offer refreshments (it's okay if I sip m
> >>own soda).
> >
> >Such emotional cruelty! lol I remember tracting in southern Louisiana at
> the start of my mission and at times thinking I might pass out from the
> humid heat. I nearly quit the whole affair due to the climate but the body
> adapts over time.
> >
> >I remember women who would open the door and give us cold pop to drink.
> They would make it plain they were not interested, but wanted to show us
> some kindness. To this day I am grateful to them.
> >
> >>c) I ask them what they are here for. If they are >mormons, I mention
> the fact that Joseph Smith was >once laid up over across the river in South
> Royalton >with a broken leg once, he broke it on one of his >many drunken
> sprees, carousing around the town. I >mention that some families still keep
> account of the >bills old Joe skipped out on when he left town and >ask if
> the Church ever paid those up...
> >
> >Have you heard how Joseph Smith as a teenager refused whisky to soften the
> pain when he needed surgery to remove a bone infection? Instead of
> drinking, he had his father hold him down.
> >
> >>Since they are usually some kind of christians, I >usually ask them to
> resolve some theological >paradoxes for me. I think next time I'll ask them
> >about the topological properties of hell and whether >angels dancing on
> pins can be considered quantum >objects...
> >
> >I need to remember that the next time the Jehovah's Witness's come to my
> door!
> >
> >>d) When they ask me about my own faith, I say I don't >need any faith,
> "cause I KNOW-uh, the TRUTH-uh!" and >go off on Theilhard des Chardins and
> Omega Point >Theory and bring in the technologies of the >singularity... by
> this point in time, if they haven't >already, they've figured out I'm
> either completely >nuts, posessed of the devil, or had too much "LDS in
> >the 60's"....
> >
> >I could just imagine a "rip in time" where you meet a young Elder Brent
> Allsop! Twilight zone music please...
> >
> >Having too much "LDS" can be quite the experience! I have found it very
> habit-forming. It can definitely work well in getting a quality mate.
> >
> >Bring 'em Young!,
> >
> >John
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >Get 250 color business cards for FREE!
> >
> >
> "The best defense is a cultural offense!"
> _Create/Recreate: The 3rd Millennial Culture_
> "We are transhumans ..." Meme Orbits Saturn in 2004!

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