HUMOR:I:Dang Viruses!,II:Noah and Gov't

Michael Lorrey (
Sun, 25 May 1997 20:18:40 -0400

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Attached you'll find two funny pieces I though you might all enjoy. THe
first is a satire on phony virus warnings, and the second is a
libertarian parable about Noah if he had to build his Ark today.


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Subject: Some Lightness.
Date: Sat, 24 May 1997 11:55:02 +0100
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Subject: FREE Money Virus

There is a computer virus that is being sent across the Internet.
If you receive an e-mail message with the subject line "Free Money,"
DO NOT read the message. DELETE it immediately, UNPLUG your computer,
then BURN IT to ASHES in a government-approved toxic waste disposal

Once a computer is infected, it will be TOO LATE. Your computer will
begin to emit a vile ODOR. Then it will secrete a foul, milky DISCHARGE.
Verily, it shall SCREECH with the tortured, monitor-shattering
SCREAM of 1,000 hell-scorched souls, drawing unwanted attention to
your cubicle from co-workers and supervisors alike. After violently
ripping itself from the wall, your computer will punch through
your office window as it STREAKS into the night, HOWLING like a
BANSHEE. Once free, it will spend the rest of its days SODOMIZING
household PETS and MOCKING the POPE.

Some filthy, disgusting miscreant... some no-good, low-down, good-for-
nothing DIRTY SNAKE, in twisted pursuit of his own sadistic dreams,
is sending this virus across the Net via an e-mail entitled "Free
Money." What is so terrifying about this virus is that you do not
even to have to open the e-mail for it to activate. In fact, you do
not even need to RECEIVE the e-mail. You do not even need to OWN a
COMPUTER. "Free Money" can infect even minor HOUSEHOLD APPLIANCES.

How it does this with straight ASCII code is, frankly, a matter of
some debate... but BELIEVE YOU US, if this weren't a SERIOUS
situation, we wouldn't be discussing it in ALL CAPS.

So for the LOVE OF GOD, forward this e-mail to all those you claim
to care about, all those you purport to love. Don't do it later!
Do it NOW! Now! Now! NOW! NOW! NOW!



And the Lord spoke to Noah and said: "In six months I'm going to make it
rain until the whole earth is covered with water and all the evil people
destroyed. But I want to save a few good people, and two of every kind of
living thing on the planet. I am ordering you to build Me an Ark."

And in a flash of lightning he delivered the specifications for an Ark.
said Noah, trembling in fear and fumbling with the blueprints.

"Six months, and it starts to rain," thundered the Lord. "You'd better
my Ark completed, or learn how to swim for a very long time."

And six months passed. The skies began to cloud up and rain began to fall.

The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard, weeping. And there
no Ark. "Noah," shouted the Lord, "where is my Ark?" A lightning bolt
crashed into the ground next to Noah.

"Lord, please forgive me!" begged Noah. "I did my best. But there were
problems. First I had to get a building permit for the Ark construction
project, and your plans didn't meet code. So I had to hire an engineer to
redraw the plans. Then I got into a big fight over whether or not the Ark
needed a fire sprinkler system. My neighbors objected, claiming I was
violating zoning by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a
variance from the city planning commission.

Then I had a big problem getting enough wood for the Ark because there was
ban on cutting trees to save the Spotted Owl. I had to convince U.S. Fish
and Wildlife that I needed the wood to save the owls. But they wouldn't
me catch any owls. So no owls. Then the carpenters formed a union and went
out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor
Relations Board before anyone would pick up a saw or a hammer. Now we
16 carpenters going on the boat, and still no owls.

Then I started gathering up animals, and got sued by an animal rights
They objected to me taking only two of each kind. Just when I got the
dismissed, EPA notified me that I couldn't complete the Ark without filing
environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take
kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of a
Supreme Being. Then the Army Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the
new flood plain. I sent them a globe.

Right now I'm still trying to resolve a complaint from the Equal Employment
Opportunity Commission over how many Croatians I'm supposed to hire, the
has seized all my assets claiming I'm trying to avoid paying taxes by
the country, and I just got a notice from the state about owing some kind
use tax. I really don't think I can finish your Ark for at least another
five years," Noah wailed.

The sky began to clear. The sun began to shine. A rainbow arched across
sky. Noah looked up and smiled. "You mean you're not going to destroy the
earth?" Noah asked, hopefully.

"No," said the Lord sadly, "Government already has."