RE: Who is David, REALLY?

David Musick (
Sat, 18 Jan 97 10:50:58 UT

That's a very interesting question, actually. The first time I ever asked
myself that question, "Who am I really, deep down?" I got a very unexpected
answer from myself. In a very authoritative tone, I answered my question
internally, "You are nothing but a scared child." I won't go into detail
here, but a few minutes after that, I realized profoundly that my whole belief
system and my plans for my life were simply adopted from other people and that
I didn't really believe in them myself and didn't really want to go through
with what was expected of my in life. Then a couple seconds after that I felt
totally disscociated with that entire belief system and ego structure, and I
haven't recovered since. Nothing meant anything to me any more, everything
that had any emotional significance to me was meaningless; my family meant
little more than the bushes outside meant to me. I had no idea what I wanted
to do or why, and over the course of the next few months I became suicidally
depressed and pretty much insane and delusional. So, that is the question
that blew my mind. The gate to insanity...

That was about four years ago. It was kind of like my personality was
cleared, and I had to create a new one. My life had lost all meaning, and I
had to create something meaningful to live for. My old myths had lost all
their appeal, and I had to create new myths for myself and step into them and
play them out. Only a heroic role would do for me; it had to be something
wildly ambitious, yet something I felt I could do. Something so big and
dramatic that it would be endlessly entertaining to me.

So that's what I've been working on for the past three years or so, and I've
been having a great time. The mental disciplines I'm developing are very
central to my hero role. I've got to turn myself into an incredibly brilliant
genius if I'm even going to be able to pull of half the stuff I'm planning to
do. My goal is to become an Ace of All Trades; to excell at everything. And
to assist others who wish to do the same. And, using the skills and knowledge
I develop over the coming years, I wish to work with many others to transform
the quality of nearly all areas of human endeavor, to help raise the standards
of excellence in all fields.

I look at humanity, and I see, as many see, that we are changing quite
dramatically during this period of time. I understand the nature of the
change; we are becoming more intelligent, creative, more free and expressive,
and I feel very strongly that this change is a Good Thing. I want to be a
part of this change, a big part of it. I want to be among the first to embody
the values that I believe will be mainstream in the coming years and to set an
example to other humans, showing them what we are capable of. I believe the
future will be excellent. And I want to do my best to make it even more so.

But what's really amazing to me is how powerfully a myth like the one I've
created for myself can really take over one's life. It's like, everything I
do is within the framework of this myth I've created. I want to excell at
everything, and I'm so driven to improve my skills and deepen my knowledge of
everything. My mind has becoming so very attentive, hungrily studying every
minute detail, looking for useful information and trying to understand
everything better. It's like my whole mind is becoming based on these ideas
of excellence and continual improvement; I'm just getting so sucked into my
own myth and becoming the hero of it.

It's just weird, because I can remember when I didn't have that myth, and I
can trace its development in my mind over the past few years. Sure, I had
bits and pieces of the myth in my mind all my life, but it's only really come
together so coherently over the past few years. I can see how I've made it
grow stronger and more expansive and inclusive and more *addictive*. I just
keep playing around with my belief systems and refining them, and they just
become so beautiful and irresistable to me!

So, who is David, REALLY? I don't have a fucking clue. I'm just sort of
making it up as I go along. I figure, that since I don't know who the hell I
am or what the hell I'm doing here, I might as well make the most of it. I'm
going to play the role I most want to play and live the life I most want to
live. I guess I got kinda tired of being miserable...

- David Musick

-- Dave, you're an adult now.
You no longer have to ask permission
to do whatever you want to do.
You get to make the decisions now.
You get to make your own rules now.
Or no rules at all.
Whatever you want. --