Date: Fri Jan 26 2001 - 07:15:01 MST

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your
ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is
two to one, etc.

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life.
Is this true?

A: How could that be true? Your heart is only
good for so many beats, and that's it. Everything wears out
eventually, so how could speeding up your heart make
you live longer? That's like saying you can extend the life
of your car by driving it more. Want to live longer? Take a

Q: My wife/girlfriend says I should cut down on meat and
eat more fruits and vegetables.

A: Your wife just doesn't grasp logistical efficiencies the
way you do. Look, what does a cow eat? Corn. And what's
corn? A vegetable. So a steak is nothing more than an
efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your
system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good
source of field grass. And a pork chop can give you
100% of your recommended daily allowance of slop.

Q: Is beer bad for you?

A: I normally don't like to answer questions which deal with
my religious values, but I find this question so ridiculous
I simply have to say something. Look, it goes to the earlier
point about vegetables. As we all know, scientists divide
everything in the world into three categories: animal,
mineral, and vegetable. We all know beer is not an animal,
and it's not on the periodic table of elements, so that only
leaves one thing, right? My advice: Have a burger and a
beer and tell everyone you're on a vegetarian diet.

Q: At the gym, a guy asked me to "spot" for him while he
did the bench press. What did he mean?

A: "Spotting" for someone means you stand over him
while he blows air up your shorts. It's an accepted
practice at health clubs, though if you find that it becomes
the ONLY reason why you're going in, you probably ought
to reevaluate your exercise program.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a
regular exercise program?

 A: Can't think of a single one, sorry.

Q: I'm getting a little soft around the middle. Will sit-ups
help this?

A: Definitely not! Look, when you exercise a
muscle, it gets bigger, right? You should only be doing
sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach

Q: I thought it would be good for me to carry my clubs
when I play golf, but last weekend some idiot almost ran
over me with the golf cart!

 A: Sorry. I was reaching into my cooler and didn't see

Q: There's a lot of equipment available at the gym today,
like the treadmill, the stair-stepper, etc. Which one do you
 A: The strato-lounger

This archive was generated by hypermail 2b30 : Mon May 28 2001 - 09:56:25 MDT