From: spike66 (spike66@attbi.com)
Date: Sat Feb 22 2003 - 01:32:50 MST
Lee Corbin wrote:
> I think that the bad reputation of the French military
> is mostly undeserved. Their biggest mistakes are
> usually said to be
>
> * losing to the Germans in 1870, a fiasco
> of Napoleon III
> * the quick defeat in WWII by the Germans
> * Dien Bien Phu
This was in the NY Post a couple days ago. Im not
enough of a history wonk to know if it is true or
just a joke. Of course Im not enough of a history
wonk to know if General Washington defeated General
Grant at Waterloo, but thats my personal shortcoming.
What we need is a means of expressing history with
equations, then I would surely take more interest.
The Complete Military History of France.
Gallic Wars - Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2,000
years of French history, France is conquered by, of all things, an Italian.
Hundred Years War - Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic
who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare: France's
armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman.
Italian Wars - Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever
lose two wars when fighting Italians.
Wars of Religion - France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots.
Thirty Years War - France is technically not a participant, but manages
to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the
other participants started ignoring her.
War of Devolution - Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as
chapeaux.
The Dutch War - Tied.
War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War -
Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three non-outright defeats in a row cause
historians to correctly label the period as the height of French
military power.
War of the Spanish Succession - Lost. The war also gave the French their
first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved every since.
American Revolution - In a move that will become quite familiar to
future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists
saw far more action. This is later known as "Gaulle Syndrome," and leads
to the Second Rule of French Warfare: France only wins when America does
most of the fighting.
French Revolution - Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was
also French.
The Napoleonic Wars - Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First
Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for
a British footwear designer.
The Franco-Prussian War - Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunken
frat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.
World War I - Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the
United States. Thousands of French women find out what it's like to not
only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein."
Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any
improvement in the French bloodline.
World War II - Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and
Britain just as they finish learning the lyrics for "Deutschland Cber
Alles."
War in Indochina - Lost. French forces plead sickness, take to bed with
the Dien Bien Flu.
Algerian Rebellion - Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army
by a non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First
Rule of Muslim Warfare: We can always beat the French. This rule is
identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans,
English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux.
War on Terrorism - Surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe.
Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese ambassador fail after he takes
refuge in a McDonald's.
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