Re: Surviving in the Wild (was "Property")

Spike Jones (
Sun, 20 Dec 1998 14:00:38 -0800

> Roderick: > I am living in Laconia, which is in central NH. ... We have
> >the conveniences of modern life, perhaps more so than others, yet we have
> >integrated it seamlessly (usually) with the surrounding natural beauty.
> davelook wrote: Well put, Roderick. Spike, I know you were just kidding...
> ...A year later I found a more satisfying job and I've never been happier.

ya. i like this area fine, but i seriously doubt i will stay around after i retire ~30-35 yrs from now. perhaps i will eventually settle in the northeast. i hear the older set complaining that they cant get around: the traffic is too agressive any time other than sunday morning. following is a clip from a joke someone sent me. funny because it isnt far from truth. {8^D spike

For those who have not had the pleasure (????) of experiencing Bay Area traffic, they are much more accurate than you could possibly anticipate.

Driving Rules for the San Francisco Bay Area:

  1. A right lane construction closure is just a game to see how many people can cut in line by passing you on the right as you sit in the left lane waiting for the same jerks to squeeze their way back in before hitting the orange construction barrels.
  2. Turn signals are clues as to your next move.

A real Bay Area driver never uses them.

3. Under no circumstances should you leave a safe distance between you and the car in front of you or the space will be filled in by somebody else putting you in an even more dangerous situation.

4. Crossing two or more lanes in a single lane change is considered "going with the flow".

5. The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller the chance you have of getting hit.

6. Never get in the way of an older car that needs extensive body work.

Although it's a requirement to possess at least liability insurance, this is, after all, California, and we wouldn't want to oppress anyone's freedom by actually expecting them to MAINTAIN insurance.

7. Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to ensure that your ABS kicks in, giving a nice relaxing foot massage as the brake pedal pulsates.

For those without ABS, it's a chance to stretch your legs.

8. Construction signs tell you about road closures, immediately after you pass the last exit before the traffic begins to back up.

9. The new electronic traffic warning system signs are not there to provide useful information. They are there only to make the Bay Area look high-tech and to distract you from seeing the police car parked in the median.

  1. Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right.

It's a good way to scare people entering the highway.

  1. Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only as suggestions and apparently not enforceable in the metro area during rush hour.
  2. Just because you're in the left lane and have no room to speed up or move over doesn't mean that a Bay Area driver flashing his high beams behind you doesn't think he can go faster in your spot.
  3. Please remember that there is no such thing as a shortcut during rush hour traffic in the Bay Area.
  4. Always slow down and rubberneck when you see an accident or even someone changing a tire.
  5. Throwing litter on the roads adds variety to the landscape, keeps the existing litter from getting lonely and gives Adopt-a-Highway crews something to clean up.
  6. Everybody thinks their vehicle is better than yours (especially pickup truck drivers with stickers of Calvin peeing on a Ford, Dodge or Chevy logo).
  7. Learn to swerve abruptly. The Bay Area is the home of high-speed slalom driving thanks to CalTrans which puts potholes in locations to test drivers' reflexes and keep them on their toes.
  8. It is traditional in the Bay Area to honk your horn at cars that don't move the instant the light changes. (A working definition of a 'split second' is the time difference between the light turning green and that horn behind you honking.)
  9. Seeking eye contact with another driver revokes your right of way.
  10. Never take a green light at face value. Always look right and left before proceeding.
  11. Hurricanes, torrential downpours, ice, fog and rain are no reasons to change any of the previously listed rules. These weather conditions are God's way of ensuring a natural selection process for body shops, junkyards and new vehicle sales.
  12. Remember that the goal of every Bay Area driver is to get there first, by whatever means necessary.
  13. If I had wanted to live in San Mateo, I would have a job on the east side of the Bay. Bay Area drivers are never authorized to live anywhere close to where they work.
  14. Real Bay Area women drivers can put on pantyhose and apply eye makeup at seventy five miles per hour in bumper-to-bumper traffic. Real Bay Area men drivers can remove pantyhose and a bra at seventy five miles per hour in bumper-to-bumper traffic.