This forward doing the rounds over here
Subject: REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE
after last Tuesdays disaster................
NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE
To the citizens of the United States of America, In the light of
your failure to elect a President of the USA and thus to
govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your
independence, effective today Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will
resume monarchial
duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah,
which
she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The rt. hon. Tony Blair, MP
for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there
is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America
without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be
disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether
any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules
are introduced with immediate effect:
1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.
Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be
amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up
"vocabulary".
Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises
such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of
communication. Look up "interspersed".
2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on
your behalf.
3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australasian accents.
It really isn't that hard.
4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the
good guys.
5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The
Queen",but only after fully carrying out task 1.
We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.
6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one
kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very
good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside
your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football.
You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play
proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the
girls. It a difficult game.
Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is
similar to American "football", but does not involvestopping for a rest
every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar
body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US
rugby sevens side by 2005.
7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons
if they give you any merde. The 98.85% of you who were not aware
that there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky.
The
Russians have never been the bad guys. "Merde" is French for "shit".
8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th will be a new
national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day".
9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for
your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand
what we mean.
10. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.
Thank you for your cooperation.
This archive was generated by hypermail 2b30 : Mon May 28 2001 - 09:50:21 MDT