God, etc

Hara Ra (harara@shamanics.com)
Fri, 03 Jul 1998 17:35:26 -0700

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>> Forwarded-from: "The*Big*Kids*Show"
<mancarl@nofuckingspam.technologist.com>
>
>God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage. In order
>to better serve your needs, He asks that you take a few moments to
>answer the following questions. Please keep in mind that your
>responses will be kept completely confidential, and that you need not
>disclose your name or address unless you prefer a direct response to
>comments or suggestions.
>
>1. How did you find out about God?
>
>__ Newspaper __ Other Book
>__ Television __ Divine Inspiration
>__ Word of mouth __ Near Death Experience
>__ Tabloid __ Burning Shrubbery
>__ Bible __ Torah__ Other(specify): _____________
>
>2. Which model God did you acquire?
>
>__ Yoweh __ Father, Son & Holy Ghost Triplet
>__ Jehova __ Jesus
>__ Alah __ Satan
>__ God __ G-d
>__ None of the above, I was taken in by a false god
>
>3. Did your God come to you undamaged, with all parts in good
>working order and with no obvious breakage or missing attributes?
>__ Yes __ No
>If no, please describe the problems you initially encountered here:
>____
>
>4. What factors were relevent in your decision to acquire a god?
>Please check all that apply.
>
>__ Indoctrinated by parents
>__ Indoctrinated by society
>__ Needed a reason to live
>__ Needed focus in who to despise
>__ Imaginary friend grew up
>__ Hate to think for myself
>__ Fear of death
>__ Wanted to meet girls/boys
>__ Wanted to piss off parents
>__ Needed a day away from work
>__ Desperate need for certainty
>__ Like Organ Music
>__ Need to feel Morally Superior
>__ My shrubbery caught fire and told me to do it
>
>5. Have you ever worshipped a God before?
>__ Yes __ No
>
>If Yes, which false god were you fooled by? Please check all that
>apply.
>
>__ Odin __ Cthulhu
>__ Zeus __ The Almighty Dollar
>__ Appolo __ Left Wing Liberalism
>__ Ra __ Barney T.B.P.D.
>__ The great Spirit __ The Great Pumpkin
>__ The Sun __ Bill Clinton
>__ The Moon __ A burning cabbage
>__ The Bomb __ Other: ________________
>
>6. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition
>to God? Please check all that apply.
>
>__ Tarot __Lottery
>__ Astrology __ Television
>__ Fortune cookies __ Ann Landers
>__ Psychic Friends Network __ Dianetics
>__ Palmistry __ Playboy and/or Playgirl
>__ Self-help books __ Sex, Drugs and Rock and Roll
>__ Biorythms __ Bill Clinton
>__ Tea Leaves __ ESP
>__ Mantras __ Jimmy Swaggert
>__ Crystals __ Human Sacrifice
>__ Pyramids __ Wandering around a desert
>__ Insurance policies __ Burning Shrubbery
>__ Barney T.B.P.D. __ Other:

>__ Barney Fife __ None
>
>7. God employs a limited degree of Divine Intervention to preserve
>the balanced level of felt presence and blind faith. Which would you
>prefer (circle one)?
>
> a. More Divine Intervention
> b. Less Divine Intervention
> c. Current level of Divine Intervention is just right
> d. Don't know...what's Divine Intervention?
>
>8. God also attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and
>miracles. Please rate on a scale of 1 - 5 his handling of the following
>(1=unsatisfactory, 5=excellent):
>
> a. Disasters
>flood 1 2 3 4 5
>famine 1 2 3 4 5
>earthquake 1 2 3 4 5
>war 1 2 3 4 5
>pestilence 1 2 3 4 5
>plague 1 2 3 4 5
>SPAM 1 2 3 4 5
>AOL 1 2 3 4 5
>
> b. Miracles
>rescues 1 2 3 4 5
>spontaneous remissions 1 2 3 4 5
>stars hovering over towns 1 2 3 4 5
>crying statues 1 2 3 4 5
>water changing to wine 1 2 3 4 5
>walking on water (not the Hudson) 1 2 3 4 5
>talking flaming shrubbery 1 2 3 4 5
>VCRs that set their own clocks 1 2 3 4 5
> Sadam Hussein still alive 1 2 3 4 5
>Cubs winning the Series 1 2 3 4 5
>Clinton's re-election 1 2 3 4 5
>
>9. Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving
>the quality of God's services? (Attach an additional sheet if
>necessary):
>
>--
>Have a GREAT day! :)
>
>"In the space of one hundred and seventy-six years the Mississippi
> has shortened itself two hundred and forty-two miles. Therefore...
> in the Old Silurian Period, the Mississippi River was upward of one
> million three hundred thousand miles long... seven hundred and
> forty-two years from now the Mississippi will be only a mile and
> three-quarters long. There is something fascinating about science.
> One gets such wholesome returns of conjecture out of such a trifling
> investment of fact."
> -- Mark Twain

O--------------------------------O 
| Hara Ra <harara@shamanics.com> | 
| Box 8334 Santa Cruz, CA 95061  |
|                                |
| Death is for animals;          |
| immortality for gods.          |
| Technology is the means by     |

| which we make the transition. |
O--------------------------------O