Re: How to keep'em off Your Couch!

From: John Grigg (
Date: Wed Aug 01 2001 - 00:19:44 MDT

I got a kick out of reading what Natasha shared. It was like a simplistic version of my old missionary training manual. Now, that was a very thick volume which contained the wisdom and experience of the church missionary program.

Mike Lorrey shared:
>Good one, Natasha. I've developed countermeasures to >these over time.

As a returned missionary for the LDS church, I am very familiar with all such tactics! ;) You are a kind man compared to some folks who actually threatened me with fisticuffs or even guns.

>a) having a VERY friendly and noisy dog helps keep >them outside. I just open the door wide enough to >stick my head out. The yapping dog keeps them from >wanting to venture further.

Big, barking dogs work very well. Although, I had one missionary companion who could somehow charm dogs(and he was big too) and the owners would look so disappointedly at their pets as we made it to the door! lol

>b) I say, 'Hey, brothers, have you guys been biking >all over town in those shirts and ties ALL DAY? You >must be REALLY HOT and TIRED," all while not making >any effort to offer refreshments (it's okay if I sip m
>own soda).

Such emotional cruelty! lol I remember tracting in southern Louisiana at the start of my mission and at times thinking I might pass out from the humid heat. I nearly quit the whole affair due to the climate but the body adapts over time.

I remember women who would open the door and give us cold pop to drink. They would make it plain they were not interested, but wanted to show us some kindness. To this day I am grateful to them.

>c) I ask them what they are here for. If they are >mormons, I mention the fact that Joseph Smith was >once laid up over across the river in South Royalton >with a broken leg once, he broke it on one of his >many drunken sprees, carousing around the town. I >mention that some families still keep account of the >bills old Joe skipped out on when he left town and >ask if the Church ever paid those up...

Have you heard how Joseph Smith as a teenager refused whisky to soften the pain when he needed surgery to remove a bone infection? Instead of drinking, he had his father hold him down.

>Since they are usually some kind of christians, I >usually ask them to resolve some theological >paradoxes for me. I think next time I'll ask them >about the topological properties of hell and whether >angels dancing on pins can be considered quantum >objects...

I need to remember that the next time the Jehovah's Witness's come to my door!

>d) When they ask me about my own faith, I say I don't >need any faith, "cause I KNOW-uh, the TRUTH-uh!" and >go off on Theilhard des Chardins and Omega Point >Theory and bring in the technologies of the >singularity... by this point in time, if they haven't >already, they've figured out I'm either completely >nuts, posessed of the devil, or had too much "LDS in >the 60's"....

I could just imagine a "rip in time" where you meet a young Elder Brent Allsop! Twilight zone music please...

Having too much "LDS" can be quite the experience! I have found it very habit-forming. It can definitely work well in getting a quality mate.

Bring 'em Young!,


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