Transrodent Conspiracy, Chapter 2: "He's a Local boy."

Jeff Davis (
Wed, 23 Jun 1999 01:26:53 -0700

Salon Magazine has been running a series entitled "Silicon Follies", very readable with the occasional Extropian meme. Enjoy.

Chapter 25

The Doom Server atop the Throne

                            of Infinite Logic 

                            - - - - - - - - - - - -
                            BY THOMAS SCOVILLE 

                            June 9, 1999 | As the darkness deepened, the
                            abandoned overpass loomed like a concrete
                            basilica over the setting for Psychrist's
                            cybernetic passion play.

                            It was a forebodingly apocalyptic scene. A
                            bizarre arrangement of monoliths suggested a
                            venue for some abstractly grave final

                            A roughly circular perimeter of waist-high
                            concrete barriers -- appropriated by some
                            Caltrans highway construction crew
                            confederates -- enclosed a circular arena of
                            cryptically placed, vertical concrete cylinder

                            In the center of the ring was an
                            ominous-looking pit. From this rude breach
                            in the earth rose a more massive pillar with a
                            capstone -- a 20th century industrial facsimile
                            of a Roman column.

                            Atop the column sat a computer: beige
                            minitower sans monitor or keyboard, its
                            stark enclosure sculpturally complementary.

                            Ten feet directly above that, a shockingly
                            large rock hovered in the air, suspended by a
                            cable from the steel substructure of the
                            derelict overpass.

                            In each quadrant of this grim theater,
                            cheerfully surreal in juxtaposition to the
                            oppressive surroundings, stood a small,
                            fuzzy stuffed animal.

                            - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

                            A German video crew documented the event.
                            Nearby, the director -- shaved head and tiny
                            tortoise-shell glasses -- interviewed Psychrist
                            while a cameraman swooped and tilted the
                            camera for an arty, video vérité effect.

"It's a kinetic meta-parable about technology
and life on earth," Psychrist explicated. "The four silicon bots represent the hazards of the information age: passivity, detachment, alienation and hubris. All electrically powered, computer-controlled, wirelessly networked. They're just kid's toys, really -- those remote-controlled monster trucks -- that we've upgraded with motherboards, wireless networking and a spring-loaded claw in the front."
"They receive their instructions from the
Doom Server sitting atop the Throne of Infinite Logic." He pointed to the minitower mounted dramatically in the center of the arena. "The transmissions are all radio frequency, but we're also doubling the 'bot transponders through hopped-up red diodes on their backs. Makes it more visually interesting. Especially with the flames."
"There will be fire?" the director asked in his
best postmodern Alsatian deadpan.
"Oh, yeah. We call the moat around the
throne 'the Abyss.' It'll be full of flaming fuel oil during the performance."
"The vehicle here will be carbon-guided."
Psychrist pointed to a menacing device that looked like an off-road lawnmower bristling with armaments. "In front, you got your high-speed, rotating tungsten saw. Flame-throwers out either side." He tugged on a long, springy metal antenna arching from the top of the vehicle. "There's also the Chip Whip -- constantly rotates, 360 degrees. Ultra high voltage contact on the end. Just right for frying semiconductors." Psychrist slapped the mechanical beast's flank. "But it's all consistent with its nature: carbon-guided, fossil-fuel-powered, all analog. No digital machinery of any kind." Faux Herzog gave Psychrist a quizzical look.

"A rat."

"Rat. Is this some sort of new technology?"
the German queried earnestly.
"It's a very old technology, if you want to
think of it that way. It's a resilient, massively parallel, fault-tolerant, hairy little critter with four legs and a tail. A marvel of engineering. More than that. Art. They're all around this neighborhood. You should check 'em out sometime." The videographer gaped. Psychrist decided a clarification was in order.
"The control mechanism is an actual rat,
inside one of those transparent plastic hamster-balls. The little guy has spent a couple of weeks in a Skinner box. We've been auto-shaping the rat to roll the ball toward flashing lights -- which ought to come in handy, since all the bots will be strobing their LEDs as they transmit packets to the Doom Server. As long as they're strobing, rat'll be tracking 'em, the Carbon Buggy will hunt 'em down and hopefully one of the weapons'll sort 'em out." The German scribbled in a notebook, then accepted an offering of Evian from a production assistant. "Where did you get this rat?" he asked in a low voice.
"Local boy," Psychrist cheerfully
volunteered. "We trapped him in a dumpster only a couple of blocks away from here. He's got the home-field advantage." The director was clearly starting to lose his grip on the translation.
"Home field?" he asked meekly.
Psychrist kicked himself into semiotic high gear. "The area surrounding the Throne is conceptualized as the Field of Cultural Production. It's divided into four quadrants: Self-determination. Aesthetics. Affect. Perversity. Each one has a virtue proxy -- a little stuffed animal. Bear, pig, frog, unicorn. The bots receive directives from the Doom Server to search them out and deliver them to the flames of the Abyss. We put in a bunch of randomly placed concrete pylons just to make things more challenging for the transit logic."
"The bots are blind, but the Master can locate
them within the field with a grid of sensors. The bots troll until they grab something, then the Server guides them into the Abyss."
"I see," asserted the director, though he
didn't. Psychrist pointed to the massive boulder hanging over the mini-tower. "This guy we call 'Heisenberg's pebble' -- it represents the uncertainty of the outcome. The suspending hardware is rigged with special explosives. They blow as soon as all of the bots fail to check in within a 500-millisecond interval." He smirked a little sadistically. "Snaps the cabling hardware. About three tons, straight down." The director gripped the Evian bottle, flexing it in his hands. "And what will be this outcome?"
"Carbon Rat's got five minutes of fuel to stop
the silicon bots from robbing the Field of every human virtue." Psychrist shrugged.
"Your guess is as good as mine."
The rest of the story can be found at Best, Jeff Davis "Everything's hard till you know how to do it." Ray Charles