Re: A film to be seen and a need for advice

John Quinley (
Thu, 3 Jun 1999 17:19:48 -0600

I will try to help, as I think that I am in a unique position, as I am x-LDS.

>Hello everyone,


>One lives here in Anchorage and is a kind and intelligent person who runs a
>party and wedding design business out of her home. Donna is seven years
>older then me and is overweight by thirty pounds (5'3 at 160 lbs.),
>divorced, and has five children, three of whom are still at home and
>elementary school age except for the eighteen year-old daughter who is
>at home and dating a guy in the military. She has had a rough life due to
>lazy and heavy drinking husband and looks older then she actually is. This
>woman can no longer have children. I do want to have children one day.
>Her mother who is in her seventies lives with her. She has alzheimer's and
>is in the advanced stages. But my friend takes care of her without
>The ex-husband who is unpleasant and ex-military lives very nearby. She is
>angry with him for not visiting the kids enough. Despite all this I do
>for her because she is very caring and amazingly positive about life. Of
>course she is lonely and somewhat desperate though not financially. She is
>open with me and wants there to be honesty between us. But she is clear
>that she wants a boyfriend, lover and eventually husband if possible.

She seems like a nice person, but it will be very difficult to go from no children to 5 children. Also, it will be very difficult for you to be with someone who cannot have your children, even though you might not think so now.

>The other woman Becky I have never personally met. She lives in Australia
>and just graduated from college (I am only halfway done). This gal is very
>bright and recently started teaching. My aussie friend is twenty-four and
>stunningly beautiful. When we traded pics she fortunately liked what she
>saw. For a month when we first met we spent tons of time chatting and
>emailing each other. She told me I made her feel like no other man had.
>was heaven on earth for me at that time. We are of the same faith
>(mormonism) and this was a major linking factor between us.
>One night she implored me to call her up on the phone but I did not because
>I thought for some reason we might not connect as well over the phone.
>I was concerned that we might talk all the time and my phone bills would go
>through the roof bankrupting me. This was such a huge mistake! I should
>have called her up and I dearly regret it now. Right now the two of us
>might have this overwhelmingly strong connection between us had I done it
>She lives with her folks and at the time her family took in a girl who had
>left the Jehovah's Witnesses for our faith. The parents and their
>congregation threw rocks through windows and made threatening phone calls
>without break over the months! Even the police could not get it to stop.

Why is this girl not living at home still? I have not heard of many cases of JW's throwing their children out of the house for becoming apostates, though I am sure it happens (as it happens with every religion). How old is the girl? Some JW's, believe it or not, view Mormonism as a cult and may believe that the girl is being brainwashed and held against her will in a state of mind-control. It would be interesting to find out more details about this. I know of a case here in Utah where a convert was counseled to leave her non-believing parents and move in with a member family (her family lives in California). She broke off all contact with her parents who were not 'worthy' of such. So these things do happen if one gets involved with the wrong people.

>So my beloved left home and found an apt. with this girl to avoid the
>craziness. She has no computer so we were cut off from each other. Only
>every few weeks would I hear from her. But she emailed me yesterday saying
>things are getting back to normal and she has access to a computer again.
>But I feel the special connection between us may have been lost. But
>perhaps it can be reignited.
>I realize that she is probably out of my league. With her brains and
>she could have almost any man she wanted. I somewhat did back away from
>because I have been rejected by woman before who I was in love with and had
>dated a long time. I did not want to go through the torment of rejection

Well, I have some good news for you. She could have any man she wants, but she more than likely will want a Mormon man. And there ain't very many of them down-under. So there's your opening.

>We had originally talked of her visiting me in Alaska or me going to
>Australia but the trouble started and that was at least for than forgotten.
>And also ticket prices are so expensive. But I may be getting a three of
>four thousand dollar windfall soon that could finance such a trip. But to
>blow so much money on a wild attempt to court a gal so out of my league
>seems a waste of money. But I don't want to be an old man regretting my
>never having done my best to marry her.

Well, it won't be a total waste if you don't hit if off. You do get to see Austrailia!

>Here is where I have been a fool and a liar. I told her when we first met
>that I was only twenty-five when actually I am thirty-two! But I am told
>all the time how I only look twenty-five but still my lie was wrong and
>stupid. I just got tired of women in their twenties rejecting out of hand
>because I was so "old!"
>I also lied about my weight. I said that I weighed one-hundred and
>seventy-five pounds but actually I only weigh one-hundred and fifty. I
>had women mock me for being so thin. She told me she was not perfect
>because she considers her build too thin being five foot six and weighing
>only one-hundred and ten pounds. She seems fantastic to a thin guy like
> I am six foot one and like I said only one-hundred and fifty pounds.

Ouch, the lies are going to be hard. You could always tell her that you've dropped 20 pounds, but that would just be another lie. Before you drop a couple of grand to get down-under, you should definitely 'fess up. She might let it go by.

>I should have told the truth to begin with. I never thought I could meet
>someone so incredible on the net so it didn't seem to matter. And here I
>barely half done with college if that really. I had a friend tell me I
>should only level with her when and if she gets here. Maybe in person we
>would not click like we did on the net but I doubt that.

Are you kidding me! You should 'fess up now! I think she will be pretty pissed if she goes to Alaska and finds out that you're 7 years older than you told her!

>One reason cryonics and extropianism appeals to me so much is that I see
>unfairness in this world, the highly uneven playing field of life. I want
>world where everyone gets to be young, good looking, intelligent and well
>cared for. I honestly believe that a hundred years from now the
>technologies will be here to make that present fantasy an economically
>feasible reality for people. Either through the second coming of Christ
>and/or human technology this world will one day be.

Well, that brings me to another question? I became an apostate and atheist before I got into extropianism. How does a Mormon become an extropian? You must definitely be an oddity in your local ward! I can imagine that it is quite difficult finding people in your ward that understand some of your views. Do both of these women understand your viewpoints on these topics? I don't know how a Mormon would take the idea of interfering with death by cryonics. I guess that's one way to ensure you're resurrected :-). Hey, I can definitely understand casting your bets both on Jesus and Science to give you immortality (though I'm betting soley on Science). My wife is Mormon, but I think I can convice her to sign up for suspension in the near future. I definitely would appreciate your viewpoint on this.

>I just had the misfortune of being born in 1967! But I could have been
>centuries earlier and had no chance at all compared to what I have in the
>year 1999. But should I make it through I will appreciate things
>more than those born in the easy living 22nd century.

Of course, that assumes people will still be 'born' in the 22nd century :-)

>The mating game is so damn hard and painful. I have read about darwinistic
>psychology and it both bothers and fascinates me. If I just had a much
>bigger balance in my "social currency account" I know I could marry this
>wonderful aussie girl.

Oh, I'm sure your not as bad off as you think you are. Most people are average, so there is no reason not to think that you aren't as well. Judging from your writing, I'd say that you are at least average (except for that lying thing. Bad boy, no cookie for you).

>I look forward greatly to any feedback any of you may have to offer. I
>really need some advice on these matters. I thank you all for reading
>take care.
>John Grigg

Hope I was of some help. My advice summed up: don't go for girl 1. Tell girl 2 your secrets NOW and cross your fingers.

John Quinley
"Believe those who are seeking the truth; doubt those who find it." --- Andre Gide