Re: A film to be seen and a need for advice
Thu, 3 Jun 1999 15:27:12 -0700

John Grigg, <>, writes:
> I realize this is off-topic but I would like some advice from intelligent
> individuals that I respect. I suppose for me we should have a "advice for
> the lovelorn" extropian list. I have met two different women on the net.
> [...]
> We had originally talked of her visiting me in Alaska or me going to
> Australia but the trouble started and that was at least for than forgotten.
> And also ticket prices are so expensive. But I may be getting a three of
> four thousand dollar windfall soon that could finance such a trip. But to
> blow so much money on a wild attempt to court a gal so out of my league
> seems a waste of money. But I don't want to be an old man regretting my
> never having done my best to marry her.

I'd say, go for it, visit her and see what happens. Even if the worst comes about and there is no chemistry in person, she'll know you have made this great sacrifice for her and she'll probably try to be nice to you. Maybe she'll set you up with some friends or at least make your visit pleasant. You'll get to see Australia and maybe have some adventures. Rejection is painful but she sounds like a decent person and I'm sure she would let you down easy after you have come so far. That's the worst case scenario.

And if you do feel a connection online, there is a good chance that it will carry over in real life. Especially if you are both looking for a long term relationship (a casual fling is obviously not practical given the distances involved) then what counts is mental compatibility. Women aren't as oriented towards appearance as men, in my experience. I was about the ugliest guy I knew when I was dating but I had several good looking girls who were interested in me.

> Here is where I have been a fool and a liar. I told her when we first met
> that I was only twenty-five when actually I am thirty-two! But I am told
> all the time how I only look twenty-five but still my lie was wrong and
> stupid. I just got tired of women in their twenties rejecting out of hand
> because I was so "old!"
> I also lied about my weight. I said that I weighed one-hundred and
> seventy-five pounds but actually I only weigh one-hundred and fifty. I have
> had women mock me for being so thin. She told me she was not perfect
> because she considers her build too thin being five foot six and weighing
> only one-hundred and ten pounds. She seems fantastic to a thin guy like me!
> I am six foot one and like I said only one-hundred and fifty pounds.

I do think you should explain about this before you go. Otherwise you're taking a chance on having a blowup while you are there which would ruin the trip. You can send some photos of yourself doing something outdoorsy so that she can see that you are thin. Then at some point explain about your age and weight. Try to break it to her gently like this and hopefully she'll understand. A lot of people aren't completely honest in the initial stages of an online relationship. We've all heard the stories about the women who turn out to be men. Your exaggerations weren't nearly as bad as that.

It wasn't clear from your message whether you have begun talking to her on the phone. I think you should do this for a while before you visit. With the new cheap international rates (10-10-220 and such) it's not that bad. We can call from California to France for 30 minutes for only about $5.00.

> One reason cryonics and extropianism appeals to me so much is that I see the
> unfairness in this world, the highly uneven playing field of life. I want a
> world where everyone gets to be young, good looking, intelligent and well
> cared for. I honestly believe that a hundred years from now the
> technologies will be here to make that present fantasy an economically
> feasible reality for people. Either through the second coming of Christ
> and/or human technology this world will one day be.

Well, I'd put my money on the latter... :-)

I suspect that there will always be winners and losers in the popularity games, though. Even when nobody is horribly ugly or stupid, there will be differences in taste and some lucky people will have what everyone else wants.

> I just had the misfortune of being born in 1967! But I could have been born
> centuries earlier and had no chance at all compared to what I have in the
> year 1999. But should I make it through I will appreciate things infinitely
> more than those born in the easy living 22nd century.

Watching the PBS series last night on longevity, the first part was dedicated just to getting across the idea that long life and near immortality may be possible in the near future (how near was left vague). This kind of talk always gives me a pang of fear that I may just miss the brass ring. I do have cryonics, which helps a little, but that is a long shot at best IMO.

> The mating game is so damn hard and painful. I have read about darwinistic
> psychology and it both bothers and fascinates me. If I just had a much
> bigger balance in my "social currency account" I know I could marry this
> wonderful aussie girl.

Don't give up on yourself. You two sound like you have a lot in common. She may not find many men whom she can really relate to. Romance isn't just a matter of ranking all the men and women on a scale, and then pairing the top two, the next two, and so on down the ladder. It's an individual affair. My wife is much better looking than I am, but we have a very close and warm relationship. You need to find a girl who is special to you, not to everyone else, and vice versa.

> I look forward greatly to any feedback any of you may have to offer. I
> really need some advice on these matters. I thank you all for reading this,
> take care.

Good luck!