From: "Spike Jones" <spike66@attglobal.net>
> You are too kind, but NO WAY! Weird Al RULES! Always
> cracks me up,
Alright, I admit it. He's kinda funny... but it helps to watch him when
your stoned.
> but the *real* funny guy is Steven Wright. He
> must have studied science with some of his gags, in fact there
> a good chance hes read the holy book, GEB. I was writing
> Steven Wright-isms even before I had ever heard of him.
> Such as:
>
> My mailbox was broken, so I mail ordered a new one. It
> delivered itself. The postman was quite puzzled. {8^D spike
Okay, you asked for it...
Quotes from Stephen Wright
I had just received my degree in Calcium Anthropology... the study of
milkmen.
-- Stephen Wright
If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.
-- Stephen Wright
For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in
the same room and let them fight it out...
-- Stephen Wright
Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone... when I came back the
entire area was missing...
-- Stephen Wright
I have a switch in my apartment... it doesn't do anything.... Every once
in a while, I turn it on and off.... One day I got a call... it was from a
woman in France.... She said "Cut it out"....
-- Stephen Wright
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their
feet, what happen if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
-- Stephen Wright
I invented the cordless extension cord
-- Stephen Wright
I saw a sign at a gas station. It said 'help wanted'. There was another
sign below it that said 'self service'. So I hired myself. Then I made
myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit.
-- Stephen Wright
A cop stopped me for speeding. He said, 'Why were you going so fast?' I
said, 'See this thing my foot is on? It's called an accelerator. When you
push down on it, it sends more gas to the engine. The whole car just takes
right off. And see this thing? This steers it'
-- Stephen Wright
Every so often, I like to go to the window, look up, and smile for a
satellite picture.
-- Stephen Wright
While I was gone, somebody rearranged on the furniture in my bedroom. They
put it in _exactly_ the same place it was. When I told my roommate, he
said: Do I know you?
-- Stephen Wright
When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then
put the kid in and run around, looking frantic.
-- Stephen Wright
When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn't
obey.
-- Stephen Wright
I had a friend who was a clown... when he died, all his friends went to
the funeral in one car...
-- Stephen Wright
I spilled Spot Remover on my dog... Now he's gone.
-- Stephen Wright
I want to get a tatoo of myself on my entire body only 2" taller.
-- Stephen Wright
I made wine out of raisins so I wouldn't have to wait for it to age.
-- Stephen Wright
I woke up this morning and couldn't find my socks, so I called
information. She said they were behind the couch. She was right.
-- Stephen Wright
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja-vu at the same time. I think I've
forgotten this before.
-- Stephen Wright
Sponges grow in the ocean... that *kills* me. I wonder how much deeper
they'd be if that didn't happen.
-- Stephen Wright
I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, 'do you know the speed limit here
is 50 miles per hour?'. So I said, 'oh, that's OK, I'm not going that
far.'.
-- Stephen Wright
Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth. On the back it said,
"Wish you were here."
-- Stephen Wright
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
-- Stephen Wright
"Did you sleep well?" "No, I made a couple of mistakes."
-- Stephen Wright
I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's
going to be up all night.
-- Stephen Wright
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near
the place.
-- Stephen Wright
What's another word for Thesaurus?
-- Stephen Wright
When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any
firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?"
-- Stephen Wright
I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed
it.
-- Stephen Wright
I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, "What
for?" I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar."
-- Stephen Wright
I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said "pet supplies". So I
did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said "compact cars".
-- Stephen Wright
In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with a
period. Every crime ends with a sentence.
-- Stephen Wright
I xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra xerox machine.
-- Stephen Wright
The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now
Santa Claus is missing.
-- Stephen Wright
I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the
prescription ran out.
-- Stephen Wright
I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.
-- Stephen Wright
I put my air conditioner in backwards. It got cold outside. The weatherman
on TV was confused. "It was supposed to be hot today."
-- Stephen Wright
I was in the first submarine. Instead of a periscope, they had a
kaleidoscope. "We're surrounded."
-- Stephen Wright
All the plants in my house are dead
-- I shot them last night. I was teasing them by watering them with ice
cubes.
-- Stephen Wright
My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over
there and write misspelled words on them.
-- Stephen Wright
I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.
-- Stephen Wright
It's a good thing we have gravity or else when birds died they'd just stay
right up there. Hunters would be all confused.
-- Stephen Wright
I wrote a few children's books...not on purpose.
-- Stephen Wright
I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every
once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, "I think I might
have written that."
-- Stephen Wright
So, do you live around here often?
-- Stephen Wright
I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if
they can help me, and I say, "Have you got anything I'd like?" Then they
ask me what size I need, and I say, "Extra medium."
-- Stephen Wright
I didn't get a toy train like the other kids, I got a toy subway instead;
you couldn't see anything but every now and then you'd hear this rumbling
noise go by.
-- Stephen Wright
I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
-- Stephen Wright
There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices... in the
back you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air...
-- Stephen Wright
I had to stop driving my car for a while...the tires got dizzy...
-- Stephen Wright
I saw a man with a wooden leg, and a real foot.
-- Stephen Wright
I replaced the headlights on my car with strobe lights. Now it looks like
I'm the only one moving.
-- Stephen Wright
I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.
-- Stephen Wright
My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can
ask him what he meant.
-- Stephen Wright
I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I
get pulled over the cop looks at it [moving it nearer and farther, trying
to see it clearly]... and says "Here, you can go."
-- Stephen Wright
After they make styrofoam, what do they ship it in?
-- Stephen Wright
My grandfather invented Cliff's Notes. It all started back in 1912...
well, to make a long story short...
-- Stephen Wright
I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
-- Stephen Wright
I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took and to the Gift
Wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he
would know when to stop unwrapping.
-- Stephen Wright
I bought a self learning record to learn spanish, I turned it on and went
to sleep, the record got stuck, the next day I could only stutter in
spanish.
-- Stephen Wright
I installed a skylight in my apartment... The people who live above me are
furious!
-- Stephen Wright
One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said "Didn't you
see the stop sign." I said "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read."
-- Stephen Wright
I went to the eye doctor and found out I needed glasses for reading. So, I
got some flip-up contact lenses.
-- Stephen Wright
I have a hobby...I have the world's largest collection of sea shells. I
keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen some of
it...
-- Stephen Wright
I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one
-- it wasn't doing what I was doing.
-- Stephen Wright
On the other hand, you have different fingers...
-- Stephen Wright
I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered
French Toast during the Renaissance.
-- Stephen Wright
My house is on the median strip of a highway. You don't really notice,
except I have to leave the driveway doing 60 MPH.
-- Stephen Wright
Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line.
He caught every other fish.
-- Stephen Wright
I bought a dog the other day... I named him Stay. It's fun to call him...
"Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He went insane. Now he just ignores me
and keeps typing.
-- Stephen Wright
The other day, I was walking my dog around my building... on the ledge.
Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
-- Stephen Wright
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
-- Stephen Wright
I filled out an application that said, "In Case Of Emergency Notify". I
wrote "Doctor"... What's my mother going to do?
-- Stephen Wright
Yesterday I found out what doughnuts are for. You put them on doughbolts.
They hold dough airplanes together. For kids, they make erector sets out
of play-dough.
-- Stephen Wright
This archive was generated by hypermail 2b30 : Mon May 28 2001 - 09:59:41 MDT