HUMOR/STORY: This is Harvey Newstrom on drugs (Was: Messin...)

From: Eliezer S. Yudkowsky (
Date: Mon Jun 26 2000 - 01:03:30 MDT

Harvey Newstrom wrote:
> "That didn't make any sense at all," Harv mutters.
> After a pause, he picks up a half finished bottle of Sobe all-natural
> juice beverage and tilts the bottle to read the label. "New improved
> formula my ass!" He slams the unfinished bottle into a waste
> receptacle. Some of the liquid splatters on the outside where
> droplets ooze down the side leaving trails of color through the
> Windows recycle logo. Harv staggers off to look for something
> alcoholic to drink


I was sitting on the park bench with Rwanda, the birds fluttering
gracefully through the almost shamefully blue sky. Out of habit, I
identified the surveillance drones; a CIA sparrow, an FBI robin, a
bluetit from the Men In Black, and a flock of honking ducks that was
probably one of the Illuminati's newfangled distributed devices. The
sun was partially obscured by the very edge of a few thin streamers of
cloud; just enough to let us look up at the sky without wincing, not
enough to change the feeling of sunniness. It was an almost indecently
perfect day, as if someone had broken into NASA's satellite weather
system and made a few modifications.

"So, have you ever really looked at a rainbow?" Rwanda was saying, her
legs dangling over the park bench.

"Well, yeah," I said.

"And the colors are all bunched up, right? They come in bands?"

"Well, yeah," I said again. Then I saw where she was going. "Hey,
yeah. If rainbows are really caused by diffraction effects, then the
frequency should change linearly over distance." I started laughing.
"I'm such a moron! I can't believe I didn't see that one before! So
what do you suppose they really are?"

She smiled. "Well, suppose that those UFOs we keep seeing aren't
*really* working with the Trilateral Commission..." She trailed off,
looking to my right. I turned my head.

A thin, scruffy man, in a dirty brown overcoat, was walking towards our
bench. His eyes were wild. "I've got it!" he hissed. "I've got it all
worked out!" Rwanda and I scooted closer to listen to the whisper.

"It's all so simple," he said, pausing dramatically. "*Lee Harvey
Oswald, acting alone, shot John F. Kennedy!*"

I heard Rwanda's sharp intake of breath, and my eyes grew wide. "Hey,
man, be careful," I hissed. "There's a bluetit from the Men In Black
listening to us not five feet away!"

"The Men In Black?" he asked scornfully. "There's no such thing! And a
bluetit? What kind of paranoid fantasy is that? There's nobody
listening to us."

I let out a disappointed breath. It was just another nutter. We've
been getting those from time to time, ever since they started using
Windows NT on the Orbital Mind Control Lasers. The Men In Black would
probably be around to pick him up shortly.

Rwanda must have felt sympathetic, since she kept on talking to him.
"But you must know that the Men In Black exist," she said gently.
"Didn't you see that movie?"

The man started eyeing us nervously, like *we* were the nutters. "Yes,"
he said, "but it was just a movie."

"Well," Rwanda said, "have you ever seen one of those little flashing
memory-eraser devices?"

"No," said the man.

"So you don't ever remember seeing one of them?"

"No," said the man.

"Well," Rwanda said gently, "there you go."

The man started to speak, then halted. "Oh, that's just bloody
nonsense," he sputtered. I grabbed Rwanda's arm. "Don't argue with
him," I whispered. "He could be dangerous."

Fortunately, at that moment, the limousine pulled up. I let out a
breath, relaxed. "You took your sweet time," I said.

One of the Men In Black nodded. "Sorry, sir. Ever since we started
using Windows CE in the bluetits, it's been nothing but trouble." The
other two MIBs grabbed the crazy by the arm and started wrestling him
into the car.

"Don't listen to them!" he shrieked. "Lee Harvey Oswald, acting alone,
shot John F. Kennedy! Lee Harvey Oswald, acting alone, shot John F.
Kennedy! Lee Harvey Oswald -"

The limousine door closed on his outburst, leaving the park in blessed
silence. The Man In Black held up one of the blinky-flashy things. "If
I could trouble you to look over here, sir? And please take off those

I blinked. "The glasses? Oh, I'd forgotten I had those on.
Certainly." I took the glasses off my face, looked, blinked and -

"...aren't *really* working with the Trilateral Commission," Rwanda was
saying. I had that odd feeling of disorientation that cued me to glance
at my shoelaces; sure enough, I'd untied one of them, but had no memory
of doing so.

I nudged her. "Hey, Rwanda. MIBs again."


This is Harvey Newstrom.
This is Harvey Newstrom on drugs.
Any questions?

--    Eliezer S. Yudkowsky

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