Life Reflections by George Carlin
1. Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin
2. I'm not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain.
3. I'm in shape. Round is a shape.
4. I'm desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore
5. Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
6. I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more
7. Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you,
but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the
8. Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but
anyone going faster is a maniac?
9. You have to stay in shape. My mother started walking five miles
a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we have no idea where
10. I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I
lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody
stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three
11. One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of
mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are
OK, then it must be you.
12. They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if
you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your
laundry isn't your biggest problem.
13. Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they
tell you it's because they're such beautiful animals. I think
my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on
14. A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket
and said, "Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?"
I said "I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have
to kill you too".
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