HUMOR: reflections on life

From: Brian D Williams (
Date: Wed Jun 21 2000 - 13:29:57 MDT

Life Reflections by George Carlin

1. Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin
2. I'm not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain.

3. I'm in shape. Round is a shape.

4. I'm desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore

5. Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

6. I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more

7. Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you,
   but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the

8. Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but
   anyone going faster is a maniac?

9. You have to stay in shape. My mother started walking five miles
   a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we have no idea where
   she is.

10. I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I
    lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody
    stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three
    of them.

11. One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of
    mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are
    OK, then it must be you.

12. They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if
    you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your
    laundry isn't your biggest problem.

13. Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they
    tell you it's because they're such beautiful animals. I think
    my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on
    the wall.

14. A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket
    and said, "Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?"
    I said "I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have
    to kill you too".

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