GOD'S TOTAL QUALITY MANAGEMENT QUESTIONNAIRE

From: Natasha Vita-More (natasha@natasha.cc)
Date: Wed Jun 14 2000 - 21:54:56 MDT


GOD'S TOTAL QUALITY MANAGEMENT QUESTIONNAIRE
 
God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage. In order to
better serve your needs, He asks that you take a few moments to answer
the following questions.
 
Please keep in mind that your responses will be kept completely
confidential, and that you need not disclose your name or address
unless you prefer a direct response to comments or suggestions.
 
1. How did you find out about God?
 __ Newspaper
 __ Other Book
 __ Television
 __ Divine Inspiration
 __ Word of mouth
 __ Near Death Experience
 __ Tabloid
 __ Burning Shrubbery
 __ Bible
 __ Torah
 __ who?
 __ Other (specify): _____________
 
2. Which model God did you acquire?
 __ Yahweh
 __ Father, Son & Holy Ghost Triplet Bundle
 __ Jehovah
 __ Jesus
 __ Allah
 __ Satan
 __ God
 __ None of the above, I was taken in by a false god
 __ don't know what you're talking about.
 
3. Did your God come to you undamaged, with all parts in good working
order and with no obvious breakage or missing attributes?
 
 __ Yes __ No
 If no, please describe the problems you initially encountered here:
 
4. What factors were relevant in your decision to acquire a god?
 Please check all that apply.
 __ Indoctrinated by parents
 __ Needed a reason to live
 __ Indoctrinated by society
 __ Needed focus in whom to despise
 __ Imaginary friend grew up
 __ Hate to think for myself
 __ Wanted to meet girls/boys
 __ Fear of death
 __ Wanted to piss off parents
 __ Needed a day away from work
 __ Desperate need for certainty
 __ Like Organ Music
 __ Need to feel Morally Superior
 __ My shrubbery caught fire and told me to do it
 __ don't know
 
5. Have you ever worshiped a God before? Is so, which false god were
you fooled by? Please check all that apply.
 __ Odin
 __ Cthulhu
 __ Zeus
 __ The Almighty Dollar
 __ Apollo
 __ Left Wing Liberalism
 __ The Radical Right
 __ Ra
 __ Barney T.B.P.D.
 __ The great Spirit
 __ The Great Pumpkin
 __ The Sun
 __ Bill Clinton
 __ Ronald Reagan
 __ Cindy Crawford
 __ The Moon
 __ A burning cabbage
 __ drugs
 __ Other: ________________
 
6. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition
to God? Please check all that apply.
 __ Tarot
 __ Lottery
 __ Astrology
 __ Television
 __ Fortune cookies
 __ Ann Landers
 __ Psychic Friends Network
 __ Dianetics
 __ Palmistry
 __ Playboy and/or Playgirl
 __ Self-help books
 __ Sex, Drugs, Rock and Roll
 __ Biorhythms
 __ Alcohol
 __ Bill Clinton
 __ Tea Leaves
 __ EST
 __ Mantras
 __ Jimmy Swaggert
 __ Crystals (not including Crystal Gayle)
 __ Human Sacrifice
 __ Pyramids
 __ Wandering around a desert
 __ Insurance policies
 __ Burning Shrubbery
 __ Barney T.B.P.D.
 __ Barney Fife
 __ Other:_____________________
 __ None
 
7. God employs a limited degree of Divine Intervention to preserve the
balanced level of felt presence and blind faith.
 Which would you prefer (circle one)?
 a. More Divine Intervention
 b. Less Divine Intervention
 c. Current level of Divine Intervention is just right
 d. Don't know...what's Divine Intervention?
 
8. God also attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and
miracles. Please rate on a scale of 1 - 5 his handling of the
following (1=unsatisfactory, 5=excellent):
 a. Disasters:
    flood 1 2 3 4 5
    famine 1 2 3 4 5
    earthquake 1 2 3 4 5
    war 1 2 3 4 5
    pestilence 1 2 3 4 5
    plague 1 2 3 4 5
    SPAM 1 2 3 4 5
    AOL 1 2 3 4 5
 
 b. Miracles:
    rescues 1 2 3 4 5
    spontaneous remissions 1 2 3 4 5
    stars hovering over towns 1 2 3 4 5
    crying statues 1 2 3 4 5
    water changing to wine 1 2 3 4 5
    walking on water 1 2 3 4 5
    VCRs that set their own clocks 1 2 3 4 5
    Saddam Hussein still alive 1 2 3 4 5
    getting any sex whatsoever 1 2 3 4 5
 
 9. Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving
the quality of God's services? (Attach an additional sheet if
necessary):
 
If you are able to complete the questionnaire and return it to one of
our conveniently located drop-off boxes by August 30 you will be
entered in the One Free Miracle of Your Choice drawing (chances of
winning are approx. 1x10^256, depending on number of beings entered).



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