HUMOR: <fwd> Bureaucratonium

E. Shaun Russell (
Wed, 5 Feb 1997 22:10:45 -0800 (PST)

<forwarded from Liberator Online Newsletter>

New Element Discovered

The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by
physicists. The element, tentatively named Bureaucratonium, has no
protons or electrons and thus has an atomic number of 0. However, it
does have

1 neutron
125 assistant neutrons
75 vice neutrons
111 assistant vice neutrons

This gives it an atomic mass of 312. The 312 particles are held
together by a force that involves the continuous exchange of
meson-like particles called morons.

Since it has no electrons, Bureaucratonium is inert. However it can be
detected chemically as it impedes every action with which it comes in
contact. According to the discoverers, a minute amount of
Bureaucratonium caused one reaction to take four days to complete when
it would have normally occurred in less than one second.

Bureaucratonium has a normal half-life of approximately three years,
at which time it does not actually decay but instead undergoes a
reorganization in which assistant neutrons, vice neutrons and
assistant vice neutrons exchange places. Some studies have shown that
atomic mass actually increases after each reorganization.

Research at other laboratories indicates that Bureaucratonium occurs
naturally in the atmosphere. It tends to concentrate at certain points
such as government agencies, large Internet Service Providers, large
corporations and universities and can usually be found in the newest,
best appointed and best maintained buildings.

Scientists point out that Bureaucratonium is known to be toxic at any
level of concentration and can easily destroy any productive reaction
where it is allowed to accumulate. Attempts are being made to
determine how Bureaucratonium can be controlled to prevent
irreversible damage, but results to-date are not promising.

~~~:~~~> E. ternity E. Shaun Russell
:~~> E. xpansion
:~~~> E. xtropy Extropic Artist,
Transhumanities editor for
All life is art, --kineticize your potential. Homo Excelsior Magazine